some talks, some emotions, some expressions & some silence

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Friday, 30 July 2010

The everyday Me

I just always neglected the hypothesis that bad times visit you often and good times seldom drop by, at least that's how we perceive it. But may be I was wrong.

Everyday, I wake up and try dozing off again for sometime to delay the start of a routine day at work. I wish I could prolong it but I am too poor to buy time. I meet almost the same people everyday, see the same faces, hear the same voices and they mean nothing much to me except a few who are the only source of my ephemeral happiness in a full stretch of 24 hours. I see a bunch of mindsets and moods around me and some so dynamic that I don't even try to understand. Though I hate the kind of work I am doing, I am concentrating more and more on it, incessantly lost inside my computer screen. It's a kind of spiritual feeling without disturbance. Yes, all those times I am working, I have my earphones on, listening to music, good and bad, and frankly, I don't even realize which song is playing. It just acts as a shield to the outer world capturing my mind and soul into limited boundaries where there is peace if not happiness. And after spending some time in this mode, I feel that I have a lighter head free of anxiety or may be its just a void. 

At times, it becomes very difficult to appreciate the other side of the river. The transformation from a happy-go-lucky kid to a relatively silent and profound maturity has been very quick. Never did I think that I would want this kind of life. I am better with people around me and life in seclusion is almost death for me. I die everyday, buried alive and then resuscitate.And may be I can say now that I am used to dying. Human brain adapts itself to conditions around it to keep itself happy and its always better to let him do his job. 

Introspection is an art which if executed well brings yourself in front of your senses and you are more tangible to yourself. I have done and continuously practicing it, trying to understand myself everyday. I am compelled to do this. I am in an unknown world where very few people understand me and I haven't been here long enough to complain about it. Life was better before. Introspection is very agonizing and invigorating. More when it creates a conflict inside your mind and you need to consciously come over it putting all your mental energy. The only good part about it is the excitement I feel when I emerge as the peacemaker of the conflict. Funny! Appears like there is more than one person living inside you, which again is just an illusion. 

The day at office ends and I come back home, with the next hour uncertain. I am silent most of the times thinking for the next hour. Many a times I just fall into the loop and waste my time totally. I am not aimless. I have very broad aims in life and I know the Dos and Don'ts to achieve them and in a way I am doing it but not palpable enough to my senses to feel happy about it. May be I expect too much out of myself or overrate myself. Introspection helps here to know exactly where I lie and then that's why the agony associated with it is worth. And then I die of the pain and tomorrow shall see my rebirth again in the same world. The only difference is this time I know myself better and it feels good.

We talk of Life and Love but we ourselves are complicated enough. Agree?