some talks, some emotions, some expressions & some silence

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Tuesday, 27 November 2018

Winter




Withered and wilted, cold and calm
Exposed, buried by flurries of snow
I stand naked like a mannequin 
Wrapped by strings of twinkling lights

Children play while adults photograph
Amidst the numbness I sense their joy
Waiting for mine when I dress up again
For the longer days and shorter nights

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

The Last Night of 2016 (Istanbul, Turkey)

A long year it has been, of more miseries and less laughters
But today it will be contained in the books of history
And tomorrow there will be a new light on the east
As I try to forget my grief and forgive the ones who brought
At the center of the world, union of the giant lands
An ancient city conquered by many, a gateway to the west.
The disco lights pierced the darkness with smiles and dance
But then the screams silenced the deafening drum-rolls
As the bullets roared in the score of falling shells.
Run and hide; "But where?" Into the chaos, far from the still

One man with choked conscience, one man with beheaded sanity
One man with manipulated wisdom, one man with religious ignorance
Only one man, only one muslim, only one murderer
Who defaces his friends, his family, his faith
And sails on the ship of sorrow to endless seas
Allured by the rum of pride while he gulps the poison of guilt
Choosing such futile death is not a trade of the brave
Yesterday's pain won't be lessened by the wars of today
Sacrificing innocents won't bring peace, not even in afterlife
So let the sand shine like gold, let it not be bloodied again

Thursday, 24 March 2016

In the end

Never ending vast lands in the north
As the snow melted and the earth shone green
Deers roaming wild, dying on the shoulders
Rest is miles away, services even farther
A watch on time & a watch on milestones
Destination destined to be that darling door.
Cowly the crow feeds on Rowly the raccoon
As the cattle devour the fresh meadows
The mind wonders if this is solitude
The heart lonesome seeks solidarity
In search of the matchmaker I travel west
Chasing the sun, as the day never ends
And then the wind whistled across the valley
Determined to destroy the delicate & the durable
The mind spoke at last, the heart listened.
I started running, more every minute
Hoping for hope to find my darling door
I left the highway for a thinner track
I stopped, the wind whined & I smiled.

Wednesday, 23 March 2016

Fear

I could see the dark and high monsters
With their cloudy friends they roared
Going back in time, I could see none
Just neverlands of yellow, green & red
Now the sun has lost his path
Not into the horizon, but up there
I Felt strange as I started climbing
The wind was cold, darkness blooming
Dumbfounded, never had I felt the same
Was it fear? I asked myself & again
Was it fear of loneliness?
For I may disappear like the sun
For nobody can hear my scream
Or was it fear of failure?
For I owe the people I love
For I still have miles to walk
I could slip down the cliff into the canyons
Or slide sideways to hit the silent stones
Or a tree so tall may tear my torso
I wish it was the fear of death
For the fear of unknown is worse. 

Thursday, 25 February 2016

Plenty

Plenty is what brain demands Plenty is what the heart wishes Plenty is what the self conspires Plenty is what the world constructs We age, we break, we wither away But still walk, hoping to sprint Not knowing where it ends Not knowing where we belong For a million may mean zero And everything may be elusive It whispers hope when you sleep Wake up and you are killed Like a line in the golden sand Washed away by the tiniest tide Demands are never enough Wishes are always waitlisted You conspire without constructing And the world just laughs it away.

Sunday, 29 March 2015

Emptiness

A rainy dawn of a darker tone
Where a lighthouse stands alone
Not a drop in that flooding rain
But from the eyes in pure pain

A distant boat in the storm
A pile of wreck it will form
Not the piece that floats and drowns
But the one that touches the browns

An island, whip of wind away
A native looks west in dismay
Standing alone with eyes in pain
Beholding the wreck as the stars wane

Friday, 19 October 2012

On the rocks!

A whiskey on the rocks
A rock doesn't melt
A rock isn't cold
A rock feels nothing. 
My heart stops 
Like a watch
Follows me to the grave
Like a rock
A whiskey on the rocks
Warm it may feel 
Sedating you, Leaving you
High in your dreams.
Like a broken spoke
On a squeaking wheel
Like an old scar
On a pretty face
Unpleasant!

Monday, 17 September 2012

Into the abyss


Who cares for the one who doesn't
Who befriends the one who doesn't
Who enjoys the one who doesn't
Who loves the one who doesn't

A selfish, mean man I am
Alone in the darkness
The fireflies pity me
And the wind mocks me
Everything's absorbed into nothingness
And thoughts have become questions
Smiles have become fake
Emotions are all stoned
Experiments have failed
The human is dead, the evil awake.

A battle is happening
Inside the mind, against the mind
And for the mind is just me
I am trying but I am failing
The shadows are fast growing
And as the darkness overwhelms
They leave me baffled
And still the silence questions
Have you lived your dark side?
Have you loved your dark side?

Sunday, 5 August 2012

Burnt & Broken


A storm is engulfing the moonlit sky
The raindrops are round yet sharp
Hurting my paralyzed forlorn soul;
I see a distant death around me
And I desire it as much as life.
I am too cold for the human warmth 
On the edge, I want to be buried,
And want not to hear myself again.
No weapons can kill me anymore
And soon I would be scavenged
A dirty death, a painful dilemma
I can see it but can't allure it enough.

Friday, 13 April 2012

A sunken lullaby


I sailed through the horrendous waves
And the loneliness of the starlit sky
I survived the demons of the deep
And the war with my own self
I relished the waters, brewed them sweet
And often mixed whiskey and rum.
I volunteered for the missions of peace
And I unleashed wrath on all
I was feared, honoured for my service
And I laughed and played with my pals
I cursed the midnight clouds everyday
And I smoked the finest tobacco
Till that night of the lonesome day
Deserted with water as far as I can see
Burnt, besieged and beleaguered.
While the rum burnt my soul,
The smoke was lost in the flames.
I was sinking, I was cold and I was warm
And numb I lie today, as a sunken hero.

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Illusion

The journey begins with a separation
The eyes are now trying to see, wide open
Whispering to my anxious heart, sobbing
And the illusion shall live no more!
Every dawn a new strength arises
but then its killed by the dusk
The illusion is the sinner, & not me
I am real and I am mortal, and so is you
But the illusion is not, it feels nothing
Painful it is to embrace a foul wind
Love not your emotions but your self
Rule your head and let it not rule you
Run and run till you hit the mark
And with every mile imbibe the will.
Then go away, into the real world
With people you can touch and feel
Where you find thoughts profound
This Journey today marks a separation
Oh my illusion, I need no more of you.

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

To do or not to do!

Sometimes late at night
When you switch off the lights
Think about all that you love
Do you turn the lights on
Or just wait for the next dawn?

This world offers a price
And you are ready to sell
Think about the peace you seek
Would you a quote a price
Or its just another number?

You are growing old
Hearing more, speaking less
Think about the respect you gain
Would you rather be a wise man
Or just  keep talking?

The secret stays a secret always
But you are a step closer today
Think about the courage that builds
Would you chase the unknown
or just wait for the night?

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Its a climb!

In the past more than just a couple of times, I have not been happy about this new challenge that I had set out to conquer. Well, still I am not happy but the curve is moving towards it. But, to think of it, there are many things associated with a PhD student's life that makes it an exciting and definitely memorable experience. Here are just a few, entwined with my favorite songs.

1. I know what I am doing. Probably, for the first time in my life I can see myself 5 years hence. This beings peace, reduces anxiety and at least installs some beta version of satisfaction. Song dedication: Comfortably numb

2. I have taken decisions before, good and bad both, but probably in none of those I ended up doing what I actually wanted to do and to add more to it, liked doing it. I remember I wanted to quit my last job because it was not offering me enough fodder for my thought and well, I never like it that way. Graduate education was a tough decision and today, I am glad that I am loving it for more than half of my time. Song dedication: Day tripper

3. I am not wasting days after days doing nothing. This is something which always pissed me off. Being idle is what I enjoy sometimes but not always. Its like that inertia which  keeps me pushing and everyday I want to do more. Song dedication: The show must go on

4. It gives me strength and courage to face demanding situations. I have already started seeing this change in me. The feeling of doing something worthwhile makes me mentally robust. Of course the phrase "Can't be worse than this" deserves a mention too.Song dedication: Lost

5. I am more disciplined and more organized. If you want to do a lot of things along with research and classes, you can't live without discipline. And along with it comes dedication. After a while, it makes a mark on the daily stuff that you do. There are many things which are still random but there is some sort of order in that randomness. Moreover, there is a constant effort put by me to improve the order. Song dedication: The Scientist

6. My thought process has improved. The way of thinking clearly, picking up pristine ideas, modifying them and delivering them across, still maintaining it sanctity is what I am learning automatically. Read a few papers and you will see that change in yourself too. Song dedication: Freebird

7. I don't have to fake anything, I am more ethical, I stop myself commenting on things I don't know much about, I can accept that I don't know  -  the surface has some depth now. And as the weeks pass by, they leave more to this dimension. And with truth, comes confidence. Everything flows naturally and you are not hiding it away. Song dedication: Sweet child of mine.

8. I love myself more. I can understand and define what I deserve, and also figure out a way to fetch it. I can command myself better and also developing the ability to measure myself, more the merrier. Its eternally pleasing to know yourself better. Song dedication: Nothing else matters.

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Paradoxical Potpourri

Stuck with this puzzle at last
May be scratches of yesterday
Or illusive caricatures of tomorrow
I am tired but I tried
To win, I must lose
And to lose, I must win
Stuck in this moment
Unasked, unattended, unspoken
Hungry but hopeful smiles
Much like a desert rain.

Monday, 21 November 2011

Truth

You can buy and you can sell
You need no money but hypocrisy
Love is just a need
Like the blind man's stick
It breaks and then has to be replaced.
Emotions are more of an excuse
Never noticed when expressed
And affects only when it hurts.
We seek more hatred and sorrow
'Coz we appreciate it more
If you are happy, no one cares.
Condolences are always meant
'Coz people fear god and death
Birthday wishes are seldom so
'Coz you are still here for your last one.
Some days are important for you
But no one bothers as its yours
Everyone does when its theirs.
There is no choice, there is no escape
You are stuck in lies and seek truth
And so you go out and do good
And you do it to create a smile in the air
And more than god you fear loneliness
You seek relationships but as a need
And then you are back to square one
What you get is what you do, its true.

Friday, 18 November 2011

Desert Rain

As the rains are bidding adieu
An unknown fear conquers my heart

As she went away from me
She took my peace with her
Its been long I heard her speak
I tried and tried again but failed

If I can't see her anymore
My heart shall stay empty
Not in words can I show my love
But she would never understand

Tell me if she would return
When I would no more be here
There would be rains no more
But then, I see some dark clouds.



Credits: "Khamaj" by Fuzon.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Wasssup?

books.. notes.. pens.. markers...experiments...FORTRAN..MATLAB...Lab being second home... Booze...Hamburgers... fries... burritos...bacon..umm I love it .. music.. House... Movies...nostalgia...uncomfortably numb.. cold...heat..friends old and new...8AM office.. review meetings.. loads of love.. memories.. dreams... reality.. planning trips...wasting weekends... facebook.. plans to sleep in office... emails.. MS Excel.. Fast Company.. Amazon.. Consumerism... world politics .. fucked up economy.. world may end soon... missing home and the food... research papers.. chats... sleepless nights.. homeworks... projects.. take away my pain.. Indian style chicken.. experiments with cooking... Tennis... gym.. iphone.. macbook... whiteboard.. bed.. pubs .. hookah.. shopping.. halloween.. frustration.. smiles.. anger.. peace.. engineering.. When would my PhD get over?...random talks which end up in nothing ... arguments .. debates ... bagels... coffee.. coke.. late night walks.. deadlines.. plan of study ... satisfaction.. cheese and butter.. misery seeks company... this too shall pass.. Can't wait to see you.. Boston.. West Lafayette.. New York...Christmas plans.. waiting for snow.. hate the rains.. tornado alert.. hailstorm.. procrastination.. guilt.. hectic.. loneliness.. emptiness.. I don't wanno miss a thing... Pink Floyd.. Rum and coke... double Jack Daniels on the rocks..Starbucks.. driving test.. plans to buy a car..
Woah! Thats quite a cocktail! cheers!

Sunday, 18 September 2011

Scared

There is a silent scream inside me
Asking me to return to the smiles
The haunting past talks to me
And makes the present a disguise
They are at war snatching my peace
Which one is better, I know not
But for sure the past beckons
A gust of memories pass by
Its too much to do for not much
I am happy but I am not content
For logic doesn't go by emotions
I wish I was a rock and felt nothing
I wish I was drugged til I died
I wish I knew and owed nobody
I want to break free, breathe fresh
And end all that I think is unjust.
How long shall I carry the load?
And how long shall I be silent
'Coz the scream is louder everyday.

Monday, 12 September 2011

Fix Me

When you try your worst, but you succeed
When you don't get what you want, but what you need
When you aren't tired, but you can sleep
Not stuck at all

And the smiles are always seen on your face
When you get something you can always replace
When you hate someone but it never goes to waste
Could it be better?

Lights won't guide you home
Neither ignite your bones
And you shall try to fix me.



The reverse of "Fix You" by Coldplay

Saturday, 3 September 2011

Stoned by Stones



















Silently she walked, leading the crowd
In her black shroud she was weeping
She knew the rules and she knew the death 
But the embarrassing pain she knew of not.

Tot-tot, tot-tot as the stones murmured
With every sound, bringing her to reality
Never had she seen multiple murderers
They are silent but their eyes ready to kill.


Tarat tarat tarat tarat, the stones screamed
Approaching the silence one last time
The women sympathized, shared the tears
The men just acting in the name of God.

Innocence, as every part of her soul pleads
Meets prejudice and hatred but no love
And as the men gather, final talks are done
Children practiced their aim, ignorant.

One last time she would be embraced
No human but the matter itself
As she lay half buried, head held high
No more sorrow, only anger she shows.

Men older and men younger, both blind
Her own father and her own sons, all deaf
Her comrades few, her daughters, all dumb
And she above all wished to feel nothing.

Slowly and steadily the stones struck
She could hold no more, she screamed
She wished the end but alas! she was alive
And she surrendered to the cold death.

inspired by "The Stoning of Soraya M."