Who is you?

Being you, you ain't yourself

Your mind, your master is not yours

Its corrupt and sold yesterday for pennies

Its of the society and the mysterious economy

Its of the angelic devil and of the unwilling will

And its alone, its adamant and its arrogant.

But its not you, neither is it yours

You are a slave to someone else

You are the love and hatred of others

You are scavenging the leftover drugs

And you are desperate for illusion

But its not you, as you command it not.

You listen to the shortcuts to smiles

Is the sound of sorrow so deafening?

You follow them without they following you

Does novelty come without effort?

You have no character but words big

Is your spirit already dead?

Open your heart, not just your eyes

Learn accepting as much as denial 

Experience pride with honesty

Be loved and let that be yours

Being you, you ain't yourself

Or may be you are, but a mystifying puzzle.

A very close friend of mine told me about this concept and I found it too interesting to avoid - though some part of it is going to be tough to write, especially the secrets - mainly because I have very few and then for the obvious reason. :P

Anyway, I love introspection.

So here I go: 10 secrets 

1. I love strawberries- Be it strawberry milk shake, ice creams, candies or just raw. It was a childhood flavor which I rediscovered when I visited Mahabaleshwar. When it comes to flavors, I like chocolates the most nowadays but strawberry is a close second. :)

2. I am scared of life - Now life as a whole is too big and abstract to talk about but yeah its scary. I keep telling everyone how to handle it and advising about many things to make our lives better. I invent rules and try to follow them but somehow in certain spheres of life  I fail. What makes me happy is I see visible results when it comes to others. I think I take it too hard on myself and the failure induces the fear in me.  Its a growing learning curve.

3. I hate Mathematics - I have scored the most in this subject in my high school and the least during my engineering. Though I have intense belief in its potential, keep talking about it, see documentaries on it, read about it and also try to visualize it. I have had a steep fall in my interest in mathematics since my school days. I am fairly good at it but that doesn't change anything.

4. I can't remember the words of a song :| - I love songs not for their music or singer. The lyrics always appeal to me and yet I cannot remember it when I try to sing or recollect a song. I suck at it and feel embarrassed at times too. 

5. Emotionally, I am very sensitive - Only a few know this. To others I come across as somebody totally different and feel like Maximum Decimus Meridius :P. Though the effects are visible only within my own comfort zone and I am vulnerable to only those who have access to it. 

6. Being a bong, I don't like Fish or rice - Yes! I haven't found a single guy who has not been ":O" when he comes to know of it. You can probably imagine how difficult it is for me to survive in the Bongland. Apart from these, I guess I show all traits of being a bong - foodie, smoker with some taste in art, poetry etc. 

7. I still wish to win the Noble Prize - LOL! This childhood fantasy still remains and refuses to accept the reality. I belong to a town which has produced 2 noble laureates and that has played a good role in fueling this fantasy. I am a Mechanical Engineer and nowhere close to the path which can fetch me "Noble Prize". I have had many dreams about it too. LOL! Only if Kungfu Panda kind of stuff happened in real life. Sigh! :P

8. I don't know a shit about cooking - I haven't ever failed when I have cooked and I have done it well (I hope the feedbacks were honest). I just have it intrinsic in me and this is not it. I also experiment with new stuff and it comes out well. Probably I need to venture into it more to kiss failure. 

9. I love shopping - And thats why I want to earn a lot. I always clutter myself with more than I need - it brings chaos and confusion. Nevertheless, shopping brings me immense pleasure. I guess its related to my natural trait of finding happiness in anything new. This is something I like the most after food and alcohol. I don't mind if its a feminine trait or whatever. 

10. I am freaking scared of dogs - They are scary and they can smell fear it seems. WTF! I have funny examples of running away from dogs and asking company to drop me home when its dark. 

These are the quick ten I could think of. This wasn't at all that difficult. Now I am sure I have more of such secrets. I guess some of them would not sound like secrets but  don't want to work out more on this. I would surely update this blog as I explore more.

The everyday Me

I just always neglected the hypothesis that bad times visit you often and good times seldom drop by, at least that's how we perceive it. But may be I was wrong.

Everyday, I wake up and try dozing off again for sometime to delay the start of a routine day at work. I wish I could prolong it but I am too poor to buy time. I meet almost the same people everyday, see the same faces, hear the same voices and they mean nothing much to me except a few who are the only source of my ephemeral happiness in a full stretch of 24 hours. I see a bunch of mindsets and moods around me and some so dynamic that I don't even try to understand. Though I hate the kind of work I am doing, I am concentrating more and more on it, incessantly lost inside my computer screen. It's a kind of spiritual feeling without disturbance. Yes, all those times I am working, I have my earphones on, listening to music, good and bad, and frankly, I don't even realize which song is playing. It just acts as a shield to the outer world capturing my mind and soul into limited boundaries where there is peace if not happiness. And after spending some time in this mode, I feel that I have a lighter head free of anxiety or may be its just a void. 

At times, it becomes very difficult to appreciate the other side of the river. The transformation from a happy-go-lucky kid to a relatively silent and profound maturity has been very quick. Never did I think that I would want this kind of life. I am better with people around me and life in seclusion is almost death for me. I die everyday, buried alive and then resuscitate.And may be I can say now that I am used to dying. Human brain adapts itself to conditions around it to keep itself happy and its always better to let him do his job. 

Introspection is an art which if executed well brings yourself in front of your senses and you are more tangible to yourself. I have done and continuously practicing it, trying to understand myself everyday. I am compelled to do this. I am in an unknown world where very few people understand me and I haven't been here long enough to complain about it. Life was better before. Introspection is very agonizing and invigorating. More when it creates a conflict inside your mind and you need to consciously come over it putting all your mental energy. The only good part about it is the excitement I feel when I emerge as the peacemaker of the conflict. Funny! Appears like there is more than one person living inside you, which again is just an illusion. 

The day at office ends and I come back home, with the next hour uncertain. I am silent most of the times thinking for the next hour. Many a times I just fall into the loop and waste my time totally. I am not aimless. I have very broad aims in life and I know the Dos and Don'ts to achieve them and in a way I am doing it but not palpable enough to my senses to feel happy about it. May be I expect too much out of myself or overrate myself. Introspection helps here to know exactly where I lie and then that's why the agony associated with it is worth. And then I die of the pain and tomorrow shall see my rebirth again in the same world. The only difference is this time I know myself better and it feels good.

We talk of Life and Love but we ourselves are complicated enough. Agree?