Don't know what!

There is a very subtle difference between the past as you see today and the past that you would see tomorrow. I am very used to the former case and i just have hopes for the latter to be good. There is no evidence or no expectation for any good though. I am thrown by the tides of time in an unknown world of my dreams where reality always confronts with obscurity. I know what I want, I know how to get it but i do not know the exact road to the end of it and yes I want to end it all. I do not want anything new and the old ones promise to last for a lifetime. LET IT BE AND LET IT GO is the compromising tone i carry with myself and buy ephemeral smiles and one day I would regret that actually everything has just passed away. For the better part of it, just say good bye and board your own flight to destiny's destination.

Me, the Human

We do not get everything that we wish for and so I say we get what we deserve. Everyday we see multiple layers of this life, which some of us are just dragging along, tired and pale. And sandwiched among such different layers are our  hopes and expectations. Hope is a necessity much like oxygen and there is a thin line which separates it from the latter. When you keep yourself away from expectations, as I used to or may be still do with myself, it becomes increasingly mysterious till the hour your curiosity takes you there, and unless you are defeated and shattered you remain there. Finally, you are a refugee in your own mind. A constant learning process teaches you fear and slowly you are scared of that battle much like the fears induced in a child as he grows up. Whats my part of the story? I feel like a one-legged man ready to run his first marathon, scared to cross that line more than tumbling down. But then I am just another human being.

The recent year has seen a lot of psychological change in me. Mental trauma, severe depression, extreme frustration, unbound unhappiness etc. are a few fancy names I could think of. I have always tried hard to steer them towards a positive development in myself and I see it happening. Its like common cold, it keeps affecting you if you do not have the internal resistance against it and temporary medications keep you healthy. This permanent resistance is what I lost or may be its yet to be discovered. Temporary medications are forced in the form of purchased happiness. Let it come in any form, it always keeps you healthy. If you remove the rare exceptions, people would always be more interested in your smiles than your tears, so why disappoint them? I have been coughing and sneezing a lot and my psychology is constantly picking up the tricks of biology, improving my resistance. And if I look at it as a package, I am happy as much as I hope to be but may not if I overrate myself with my expectations. The paradox here is the possible compromise I am doing when I say I deserve no more, and to think of it seriously, it keeps you away from happiness and makes the other side mysterious again. Heh!

Have you ever talked to the coward and crouched mentally superior person inside you? Have you asked him how he feels? I possibly cannot forbear myself from daily incentive driven executions. Being a leader is not easy, when you fall there is no one to give you a hand and that's exactly why He is coward and crouched. Professional leadership is far easier than a personal one. Trust me, it is complicated. You may not agree and would like to put it otherwise but the subjective nature of a personality is the illusionist here. He doesn't want to compromise as he is hardened and then tempered well by the people around him. He is the most ideal person you can be. He does not expect anymore and thereby, He is not affected by the paradox. He accepts what he is and is more riveted towards knowing himself more in a quite monastic way independent of the hassles of his outer skin. But sadly, you can't be Him. May be I am wrong. Try!

I feel better when this tainted spirit communicates with the superior me and shows me the way, sometimes just serenading by my side on a dark lonely road and at other times roaring it out to me. I have to dig a mine, collect the most precious stones and earn money out of them. And  be careful not to show much of ingratitude for all the times He has helped me.

On a lighter note, "One of these days I'm gonna get ORGANEZIZED" (courtesy - Taxi Driver); which reminds me, I need to change my bedsheet. :D

Adios!

The everyday Me

I just always neglected the hypothesis that bad times visit you often and good times seldom drop by, at least that's how we perceive it. But may be I was wrong.

Everyday, I wake up and try dozing off again for sometime to delay the start of a routine day at work. I wish I could prolong it but I am too poor to buy time. I meet almost the same people everyday, see the same faces, hear the same voices and they mean nothing much to me except a few who are the only source of my ephemeral happiness in a full stretch of 24 hours. I see a bunch of mindsets and moods around me and some so dynamic that I don't even try to understand. Though I hate the kind of work I am doing, I am concentrating more and more on it, incessantly lost inside my computer screen. It's a kind of spiritual feeling without disturbance. Yes, all those times I am working, I have my earphones on, listening to music, good and bad, and frankly, I don't even realize which song is playing. It just acts as a shield to the outer world capturing my mind and soul into limited boundaries where there is peace if not happiness. And after spending some time in this mode, I feel that I have a lighter head free of anxiety or may be its just a void. 

At times, it becomes very difficult to appreciate the other side of the river. The transformation from a happy-go-lucky kid to a relatively silent and profound maturity has been very quick. Never did I think that I would want this kind of life. I am better with people around me and life in seclusion is almost death for me. I die everyday, buried alive and then resuscitate.And may be I can say now that I am used to dying. Human brain adapts itself to conditions around it to keep itself happy and its always better to let him do his job. 

Introspection is an art which if executed well brings yourself in front of your senses and you are more tangible to yourself. I have done and continuously practicing it, trying to understand myself everyday. I am compelled to do this. I am in an unknown world where very few people understand me and I haven't been here long enough to complain about it. Life was better before. Introspection is very agonizing and invigorating. More when it creates a conflict inside your mind and you need to consciously come over it putting all your mental energy. The only good part about it is the excitement I feel when I emerge as the peacemaker of the conflict. Funny! Appears like there is more than one person living inside you, which again is just an illusion. 

The day at office ends and I come back home, with the next hour uncertain. I am silent most of the times thinking for the next hour. Many a times I just fall into the loop and waste my time totally. I am not aimless. I have very broad aims in life and I know the Dos and Don'ts to achieve them and in a way I am doing it but not palpable enough to my senses to feel happy about it. May be I expect too much out of myself or overrate myself. Introspection helps here to know exactly where I lie and then that's why the agony associated with it is worth. And then I die of the pain and tomorrow shall see my rebirth again in the same world. The only difference is this time I know myself better and it feels good.

We talk of Life and Love but we ourselves are complicated enough. Agree?

Desuetude!

State of rage and state of fear
All have I seen in this month of may
Rhapsodized and then reconciled
And now today I am stranded in this game
Like the tombstone waiting for its name.


A poor boy once in a bad old time
He was disparaged and then he was in love
And then he heard the dulcet dirge
He has seen me when the thoughts went low
But most of it he wont mention right now.


The warm mellifluous melancholy
And the chilled northern winds
They come together, brewed by the blue sky
Penning the finest poetry yet very austere
Recollecting the past, predicting the future.

She, is dead

There is a revolution in my head
There are incessant deaths, blood all over
Every moment she dies in my heart
Not a suicide but a murder
By the foes of frolic and traitors of time
And when my eyes not often try to talk
And when I serenade to the petrified dark
I am silenced by her echoing soliloquy.

Gangster!

A young soul with an old mind
Staying up the night of cold boredom
A prolific poet or a philanderer
You would demand and I shall gift
And then would you sing me lullabies
And then would ask me when and why?
And then would you call me across the street
And promise to make love to  my dreams?
In the sublime love of yours
Would rot my melancholy serenade
And then if you hear a voice at midnight
Would you wake up and embrace me
For I would be bleeding and would need you
For I would be tired of the unanswered calls
For I would desire for you just to say goodbye
Forgive me sweetheart, I made my choice
And I want to be a gangster and live till I die!

Contemplation II

I want to fly a jet-plane
High up in the sky
untouched by the people beneath.
This earth which lifts me up
sends me close to the stars
would call me back someday
And I have to land.
I am too scared to hit the clouds
and be lost,
for it would be a sin.
I love my craft
And the trail it leaves behind.
The beauty of it I shall want to see again
So today I would land  it
to fly with it tomorrow again.