Desperation

This stage of my life is called Desperation. Yes it sounds strange and funny but it is scary too. But the course of events recently has led to a multiple organ failure kind of situation and everything being in a vicious circle. Why multiple? The next few paragraphs would make some sense I hope.

1. Desperation of an admit

I have applied for my graduate education at 8 US universities and spent a lot of money on those. The result till now has not been very fruitful. I have 4 rejects in hand and 4 more to go out of which 1 is a really long shot and my conscience automatically eliminates it after the initial setbacks. So I am left with 3. This is one of my dreams, I always wanted to do since my undergraduate - it saw many ups and downs, influenced some decisions of mine and in turn got influenced by me too. In this particular application process I have been through delirium, phobias, anxiety, anticipation already and I am en route to acceptance. But the long route to the destination and the involved uncertainties has left with me desperation. Sometimes I tell it to myself that "I can live with or without you" but what about all those mammoth efforts! Overall desperation rating: 3/5

2. Desperation of a good work at my current job

I have never been satisfied with the work I do and that is a generic problem with many of us. It has reached limits and it has been 3 years now. Many people that I started with have left for the better or worse or many be just for a change. And now, I have decided to work for it, prove myself and put my point in a more aggressive manner. And this attempt has become desperate. I think when we become desperate, we become vulnerable too, which can have both positive and negative outcomes. Left with no choice, last 2 weeks I have worked my ass off and still continuing it. Recently the efforts have dropped down because I was given a breather from my usual boring stuff and I could start my own project. Now that is quite a bit of achievement, so right now the Overall desperation rating is: 1/5. It deserves a smile.

3. Desperation of a good recognition at work in form of Salary/Promotion

Its been a long time I have been in the same position but fulfilling responsibilities and showing competencies for higher positions. And they are recognized from time to time in form of "Pat on the backs", appreciation in "one-on-one meetings", Performance review etc. But, when it comes to promoting me or giving me a higher salary all that is forgotten. I have seen less competent people in my team move up and grow with higher salary. I wasn't bothered then, after all what I cared was just me and never try to compare telling myself that my time would also come someday. But that someday never seemed to arrive and I ended up being desperate. I have got opportunities but I could not sacrifice my personal goals for so-called business goals of the company and as obvious, I am reminded of this every time by  my managers whenever I asked a remedy for my desperation, which in turn increased it. Overall desperation rating: 4/5

4. Desperation for saving money

This one is a bit tricky. I never had the save money attitude. I couldn't save. I used it all for my own happiness but, bought things I liked, did stuff I liked, had awesome time with friends & family - all out of that money. And I relied on the fact that my salary would coming in and it can only increase. But suddenly this feeling is sinking in me that in case, I get an admit I would not be able to fund my visa and travel. So now, when I am still recuperating with my past expenses I want to save and its a desperate attempt again as I have to live the next month in a meagre amount. Now this point is also related to point number 3 and I need not explain why. Overall desperation rating: 4/5

5. Desperation for doing something which I want, follow my dream

Again, a tricky one. I know in long term what I want and I think I am already late in pursuing it. I need to build up short-term plans to achieve those (I am not disclosing them here :P). So time keeps knocking and makes me feel that its time that I start doing something. And this realization came late, so again I have been acting desperate. Though this is not justified and I should a ct calm in this case, I guess the above 4 points are fuelling it. Anyway, Overall desperation rating: 2/5

I am entangled in the above 5 points like I am stuck in quick sand and with them are associated many intangible desperation. The primary one being, desperation to find happiness, have been waiting for a long time for it too. Here, with happiness I mean something which would really make me happy and that is elimination of any of the five points from the list above.

Amongst all these, I do have a few points to look forward to and I am living everyday with them. They are small things that make me happy. Also, there is one thing which I have in plenty - Love. Being in love, having that support, someone to understand you and finding your strength in it is just beautiful. And when I compare it on the other side of the balance with all those 5 points together, the former outweighs the latter by a huge margin.

Having talked about it all, I would also mention that I know it for sure that these are temporary and just another tough phase of life. And now on I guess I have flushed it out and I would feel better, and most importantly work out a rescue plan which should not fail. Also, what I learn from it would add tremendously to my profile and I would do a better job in the future for sure.

Adios!

Bawra man dekhne chala ek sapna

A strange feeling is camping inside me nowadays. I tried the best I could do for the last 6 months - I dreamed of something, the dopamine inside me wanted to achieve it and I supported myself the best way I could. Yet, at instances where I thought I am safe and in all those secured zones where I thought I would achieve timidly, I failed. I find it funny at times. Life keeps serving me with ironic situations like these. But then, after you have consoled yourself, some evil corners in your mind (evil cause they hate your peace treaty with life) would keep asking you if you had done enough or if there was something you could do (does it make any sense now?), they would question your capability and make you feel miserable. And they do not come alone, like the red ants of Amazon they would attack you in a group with a consolidated intention to gobble every nerve of human mind. They bring us this disease but we are smart! How many times? One day I am gonna be immune and feel nothing or may be I will go mad after repeated thrashings, and finally stop feeling for it. 

I saw a dream, I worked for it, I did not succeed this way but then I can dream of something else and again work for it. Yes! it sounds crazy and indefinite but its way better than entertaining evil in your head. And so I would take a step forward and I am not alone. Many dream, even more fail and very few conquer their ambitions (I am talking about ambitious people here, don't give a damn to others!) - if we are still regretting after we fail, it means there is still a long road ahead to gain wisdom and maturity and lots to learn before we sleep!

As aptly said, Bawra man dekhne chala ek sapna ... bawre se man ki dekho bawri hai baatein ... 

And if required don't think much before unleashing your madness .. but do dream! Do not surrender! Keep trying! Do not regret if you fail!

"Showing off"

We are pretty familiar with this phrase! We clearly understand who is showing off and who is not and with time it becomes more and more lucid!

Showing off is a pain! Ever tried it? Its a huge responsibility, a huge burden and its damn tough. The ones who do it, they deviate from their natural self which makes it difficult for themselves. Its very difficult to create something original and to create a new personality, even more! Gosh!

Having said that, I think people who 'show off', do so out of need. Only need can drive someone to handle such a responsibility. The need is the only incentive or at least has a lion's share! This need might be due to insecurity, lingering on a lie or living up to the fake profile of yours - in fact there can be zillions of reasons!

I feel sympathetic towards them apart from the usual hatred and laugh over gossips. (Hypocrites are very good gossip material - Girls love it ..;)..)

Melancholic Ecstasy!

(Title Courtesy: Indian Ocean)

Hey you, the wind of my lands, Do you know me?
Never mind; But you must know my kins
Cause them no harm, a last wish I seek
And if I had one more, I'd visit them to see
Chocolates and chicken burgers I've had many
But never they had the taste of love & amity
In this world adulterated with lies and hatred
I hope to find some truth & companions
I know one, I know two and I know many
But they don't know me & they don't love me.
Far away there is a lady who knows me the most
She is my mentor, my comrade, my mother
I need a nap with her hands caressing my hair
I dream of it everyday, and then wish every dawn,
That one last time, I would go sky-diving
And I would fall free, right into her arms
I would be dead, but I would score
For I'd have peace and you'd want more!

To Ma, my family & my friends...

The satire of time

I am subdued, I am shut and I am stuck
Like the abandoned machine of a shop floor
I feel like a child and I  miss my mother
I want to go back and feel happy with her.
The long lost kindergarten memories
I want to revisit them again
I want to learn as I wanted to now
I want a cocktail of today and yesterday
And preserve it for the rest of my life
I want never to regret, neither would I plan sorrow
I would plan endless smiles, I would plan perfection.
There would be no undo or redo, no experiments
A utopia I see, I just see myself living ahead of my time
But that time is long gone in the past
And Alas! I am a kid yet again but a kid too old.

Think!

Ever wondered when everyday you make your decisions, how far you thought on it or how far do you trust it or rather trust yourself on it? We are engulfed in a mental bias of ourselves, we are fake not to each other but to our own self. Separate your soul and your mind from everything around you that controls you, mostly those which are intangible. What your eyes cannot see, your ears cannot hear, your tongue cannot taste, your nose cannot smell or your body cannot feel is what your mind cannot decipher, and that is the highly ignored mysterious part of life. We can just attempt to understand it and mostly we fail and naturally we give up. It is tough, so never mind. At least we tried. 

But ever if you get a chance or if not, give that chance to yourself, a chance to be original in your thoughts and far away from the ups and downs of this awesome world, a chance to find peace within yourself, a chance to think over the right and wrong and evaluate your decisions and learn for the future. So, think my friend, think!

"I tried"

Life sometimes is frustrating, taking a lot from you and not even promising short term returns. It appears like u are stuck in one of the cracks in the canyons of Utah and that most of the things were destined to cause you the harm (Reference: 127 hours).

I am a regular guy in a flatland with ready access to food, water and people and if I feel the same, I would be too mean to myself. I don't want to be as senseless as a rock neither would I like to be a mad river. But at the end of the day, I don't want to tell myself and rather regret that "I should have given it a shot!". Yes, I have tried in the past, I have failed and with nothing would I compromise until I have no option. This applies for failure too. What I care for everything in life is growth. If stuff around me is growing, it keeps me going. And in all these failures, I have an immense growth of my mental perseverance, something which has to be learned the harder way. Yes may be in the end, I would get nothing, may be I was not destined to, but I won't sacrifice my principles for my success because i would be sacrificing myself; they define me, they have built me since my birth and they shall always stay, though they may change with experiences. And when its over, I want to smile and say "I tried!". Life is great, I am loving it, every moment of it. Retrospection is awesome...