Think!

Ever wondered when everyday you make your decisions, how far you thought on it or how far do you trust it or rather trust yourself on it? We are engulfed in a mental bias of ourselves, we are fake not to each other but to our own self. Separate your soul and your mind from everything around you that controls you, mostly those which are intangible. What your eyes cannot see, your ears cannot hear, your tongue cannot taste, your nose cannot smell or your body cannot feel is what your mind cannot decipher, and that is the highly ignored mysterious part of life. We can just attempt to understand it and mostly we fail and naturally we give up. It is tough, so never mind. At least we tried. 

But ever if you get a chance or if not, give that chance to yourself, a chance to be original in your thoughts and far away from the ups and downs of this awesome world, a chance to find peace within yourself, a chance to think over the right and wrong and evaluate your decisions and learn for the future. So, think my friend, think!

"I tried"

Life sometimes is frustrating, taking a lot from you and not even promising short term returns. It appears like u are stuck in one of the cracks in the canyons of Utah and that most of the things were destined to cause you the harm (Reference: 127 hours).

I am a regular guy in a flatland with ready access to food, water and people and if I feel the same, I would be too mean to myself. I don't want to be as senseless as a rock neither would I like to be a mad river. But at the end of the day, I don't want to tell myself and rather regret that "I should have given it a shot!". Yes, I have tried in the past, I have failed and with nothing would I compromise until I have no option. This applies for failure too. What I care for everything in life is growth. If stuff around me is growing, it keeps me going. And in all these failures, I have an immense growth of my mental perseverance, something which has to be learned the harder way. Yes may be in the end, I would get nothing, may be I was not destined to, but I won't sacrifice my principles for my success because i would be sacrificing myself; they define me, they have built me since my birth and they shall always stay, though they may change with experiences. And when its over, I want to smile and say "I tried!". Life is great, I am loving it, every moment of it. Retrospection is awesome...

Enervated!

This desk of mine....where I spent most of my time right now, alone thinking about a lot of stuff, some factual and some totally random. Spending day and night filling out application forms, trying to get over my phobia and all this to find one single direction in my life which though a long shot makes me believe that everything is going to be alright. Looking up postal code for India or reading about bacterial meningitis, everything just makes me nervous and apprehensive. I put effort to emulate my own thinking with the hope that one day I would get over it with the better. Questions, queries, facts - they don't bring any answers. Ok! I know it would be over and this too shall pass but then what? They are never ending and I can't bend down and apologize to my life for torturing it. I call people and try to cool down but then how many times. Everyone around is as miserable as I am. I have no right to be lucky. I am tired and that's why I am writing this piece of make-me-better stuff. My fingers are already aching and I am gaining quite a bit of experience in typing. It would improve my typing speed at least! (wink)

Don't think too much and think positive - these principles have been deceiving me and I feel defeated by this inhuman act of overpowering your own thinking. There is one single voice, one single feeling that keeps me going and I am not gonna write it down here because it is special. Call it a silent scream or a paralyzed smile - I don't care. I need to push this inertia to levels beyond my imagination and I need something - may be alcohol! Do I sound like a loser addict? You are wrong. I am just on the path to win myself and whoever and whatever wishes to come along with me. I bet. I would classify it as another random thought, but factual. I like randomness..true... but I don't like to take it for granted!

Oaks and me

There is an old pub down the street where I used to live. I have admired that place always and it finds it presence in almost all of my memories and emotions - tears or smiles. I still want to go there and live the past again, not of mine but of my time with Oaks. But some strange feeling just restricts me. Am I too old? Have I overused it too much or he silently hates me? Why? May be he doesn't like alone and unhappy people. But I ain't unhappy! Today, when I was listening to "Stuck in a moment" by U2, suddenly I felt I am right there at Oaks and merrymaking with my friends, my love and myself. Was talking to a friend about addictions and that I have none right now, after having left smoking long back. I feel everyone should be addicted to something at least and at the same time, I believe that everyone is already. Sad but True. Smoke, alcohol, weed etc. - fantastic stuff! Its a world of randomness, but right now, I am addicted to a strange and weird thought and I want to share it with Oaks, I still do not qualify to go there and that's why negotiating. 

The Barman's pitcher, french fries with white sauce, the finishing touches of whiskey, the music that u want to hear and to end it all, an all-worth-it cheque!

Feeling better. Thanks!

Past few days with her!

You know how you feel when you are in a dysfunctional but intense relationship which outsiders would most often call insane? I am and I know how it feels and I fail and I succeed every day. Its like a market, a trade of many other inconspicuous stupid but important things where I have to give to get something. She has been cruel and this relationship with her is may  be the only thing that gives me the thrill, the excitement and the motivation to  move ahead and tells me that there is something there next door. She brings me better things but tells me not to embrace them 'coz I would either lose them or regret later. In this process she tells me that I have a value and that value is not just restricted to my eyes but often reflected in others'. She gives me confidence when I am frustrated. She brings out the hidden darkness in bright light. She shows me the substance, equips me with the resources but also makes my way difficult. She doesn't show me a direction but gives me hope. This moment she hugs me, the next she kicks my ass, and then she would rape me mentally. She is weird but she is just unique to me, my special one which I take pride in. She has taught me to be brave and that there is a long way to go. She has injected doses of perseverance in me and regularly experimented on me like a guinea pig. She has made every effort and she has not done this for free. I confront her regularly in the middle of the market, arguing with her in front of a crowd just to evade my duty of paying her back. I know I am wrong but today I am poor. I have neither money nor the substance which she has. I am in need and I am at the receiving end. Its a cure to the anger, the desperation, the anxiety, the loneliness and this is all I have.

This relationship with my life is not working out right now and I am learning to pay her back; sometimes I am honest but I am mostly backstabbing her. My relationship with her is indeed intense, I scream at her, I spent silent nights with her, I punch her right on her face too but deep inside I love her very much and yeah I am just stunned at times! Wait! Did I mention how good she is on bed? Now I know true orgasm!

Life is not crap!

"Live everyday like the last day of your life", a cliche statement. Lets take a scientific approach.

Our day to day life is governed by the more superior brain and comparatively under-developed heart. Most of the actions inside and outside our body is controlled by the former. In layman's language, we mostly have no control over it. It is a seasoned machine which learned by itself, commonly known as Artificial Intelligence. And yes, its rocket-science, which human beings would always struggle to replicate. Its complicated nature is reflected by the fact that it cannot be transplanted compared to other organs of the body. On the other hand, we have our heart and in non-technical terms is said to control our emotions, which is totally false. This is because its your brain which controls your emotions as well. But this small part of the brain is under our control to a very large extent. There is a difference between well-trained and well-educated, and we have to train our brain, we cannot possibly educate it after 15 years of its learning. This hearty brain is very sensitive and is affected by all five senses we know of. To keep it in control, the best way is to keep it dumb and foolish. It doesn't affect you in the long term but gives you enough strength to ignore the noise that affects our normal smooth journey ahead. Its not that easy, so a more practical solution is to prioritize your emotions. Life is good and it would always be! Trust your brain and ignore your daily ups and downs.

Thanks for reading this profound crap.

An early morning conversation!

Once upon a time, the different voices in the crowd, the tone of each one of them, the touching voice of your closest and even random screaming and squalling, everything that my ears could perceive reverberated through me, defining myself. And today, there is so much of silence; all that I can hear is Knopfler and Floyd, the gtalk pings, the phone rings and some musings of my own thoughts, the remnants of the noise in the past, and strangely  nothing is indefinite. I performed the best in randomness but that past is gone long back. Nowadays, I try to get organized, to reduce the noise in my daily life and let my wave travel smoothly. I can't believe that I have "to-do" lists! This is more because I have a  lots to do and I don't see anybody around me to while away time, most of the times I think its not worth it. There are a lot of additions in that list apart from the regular material efforts to finally gain monetary benefits. For instance, spending time with Coleridge, Keats and Neruda, doing some clicking job with my Nikon P80, sketch random stuff on MS-Paint, talking to Twitter, Facebook and Blogger, drink more coffee, read the BBC and NY Times, learn more about the far and not my immediate vicinity and a very unlikely in the list feeding my love, the only thing I want to carry with me on the road ahead. Heh! Full of platitudes is this world and yet everyday is born a new thought to ponder upon. The beauty here is that of Science. I wish I could go back to my fascination of parallel universe and string theory. We all think so, don't we? I thought I read it somewhere but then found it was me, the truth pouring out or may be a dream - "you are on your own and no one gives a damn about it, you have to be choosy with the luggage you carry - its a long way ahead, better walk with the fundamentals, leave your TV and refrigerator behind"

I respect every opinion and I hate the predominantly biased ones; but if I do so, ain't I biased? 

Job well done blogger bro! Thanks for the company!