We do not get everything that we wish for and so I say we get what we deserve. Everyday we see multiple layers of this life, which some of us are just dragging along, tired and pale. And sandwiched among such different layers are our hopes and expectations. Hope is a necessity much like oxygen and there is a thin line which separates it from the latter. When you keep yourself away from expectations, as I used to or may be still do with myself, it becomes increasingly mysterious till the hour your curiosity takes you there, and unless you are defeated and shattered you remain there. Finally, you are a refugee in your own mind. A constant learning process teaches you fear and slowly you are scared of that battle much like the fears induced in a child as he grows up. Whats my part of the story? I feel like a one-legged man ready to run his first marathon, scared to cross that line more than tumbling down. But then I am just another human being.
The recent year has seen a lot of psychological change in me. Mental trauma, severe depression, extreme frustration, unbound unhappiness etc. are a few fancy names I could think of. I have always tried hard to steer them towards a positive development in myself and I see it happening. Its like common cold, it keeps affecting you if you do not have the internal resistance against it and temporary medications keep you healthy. This permanent resistance is what I lost or may be its yet to be discovered. Temporary medications are forced in the form of purchased happiness. Let it come in any form, it always keeps you healthy. If you remove the rare exceptions, people would always be more interested in your smiles than your tears, so why disappoint them? I have been coughing and sneezing a lot and my psychology is constantly picking up the tricks of biology, improving my resistance. And if I look at it as a package, I am happy as much as I hope to be but may not if I overrate myself with my expectations. The paradox here is the possible compromise I am doing when I say I deserve no more, and to think of it seriously, it keeps you away from happiness and makes the other side mysterious again. Heh!
Have you ever talked to the coward and crouched mentally superior person inside you? Have you asked him how he feels? I possibly cannot forbear myself from daily incentive driven executions. Being a leader is not easy, when you fall there is no one to give you a hand and that's exactly why He is coward and crouched. Professional leadership is far easier than a personal one. Trust me, it is complicated. You may not agree and would like to put it otherwise but the subjective nature of a personality is the illusionist here. He doesn't want to compromise as he is hardened and then tempered well by the people around him. He is the most ideal person you can be. He does not expect anymore and thereby, He is not affected by the paradox. He accepts what he is and is more riveted towards knowing himself more in a quite monastic way independent of the hassles of his outer skin. But sadly, you can't be Him. May be I am wrong. Try!
I feel better when this tainted spirit communicates with the superior me and shows me the way, sometimes just serenading by my side on a dark lonely road and at other times roaring it out to me. I have to dig a mine, collect the most precious stones and earn money out of them. And be careful not to show much of ingratitude for all the times He has helped me.
On a lighter note, "One of these days I'm gonna get ORGANEZIZED" (courtesy - Taxi Driver); which reminds me, I need to change my bedsheet. :D
Adios!
