some talks, some emotions, some expressions & some silence

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Monday, 15 November 2010


This desk of mine....where I spent most of my time right now, alone thinking about a lot of stuff, some factual and some totally random. Spending day and night filling out application forms, trying to get over my phobia and all this to find one single direction in my life which though a long shot makes me believe that everything is going to be alright. Looking up postal code for India or reading about bacterial meningitis, everything just makes me nervous and apprehensive. I put effort to emulate my own thinking with the hope that one day I would get over it with the better. Questions, queries, facts - they don't bring any answers. Ok! I know it would be over and this too shall pass but then what? They are never ending and I can't bend down and apologize to my life for torturing it. I call people and try to cool down but then how many times. Everyone around is as miserable as I am. I have no right to be lucky. I am tired and that's why I am writing this piece of make-me-better stuff. My fingers are already aching and I am gaining quite a bit of experience in typing. It would improve my typing speed at least! (wink)
Don't think too much and think positive - these principles have been deceiving me and I feel defeated by this inhuman act of overpowering your own thinking. There is one single voice, one single feeling that keeps me going and I am not gonna write it down here because it is special. Call it a silent scream or a paralyzed smile - I don't care. I need to push this inertia to levels beyond my imagination and I need something - may be alcohol! Do I sound like a loser addict? You are wrong. I am just on the path to win myself and whoever and whatever wishes to come along with me. I bet. I would classify it as another random thought, but factual. I like randomness..true... but I don't like to take it for granted!

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Oaks and me

There is an old pub down the street where I used to live. I have admired that place always and it finds it presence in almost all of my memories and emotions - tears or smiles. I still want to go there and live the past again, not of mine but of my time with Oaks. But some strange feeling just restricts me. Am I too old? Have I overused it too much or he silently hates me? Why? May be he doesn't like alone and unhappy people. But I ain't unhappy! Today, when I was listening to "Stuck in a moment" by U2, suddenly I felt I am right there at Oaks and merrymaking with my friends, my love and myself. Was talking to a friend about addictions and that I have none right now, after having left smoking long back. I feel everyone should be addicted to something at least and at the same time, I believe that everyone is already. Sad but True. Smoke, alcohol, weed etc. - fantastic stuff! Its a world of randomness, but right now, I am addicted to a strange and weird thought and I want to share it with Oaks, I still do not qualify to go there and that's why negotiating. 
The Barman's pitcher, french fries with white sauce, the finishing touches of whiskey, the music that u want to hear and to end it all, an all-worth-it cheque!
Feeling better. Thanks!