some talks, some emotions, some expressions & some silence

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Thursday, 12 May 2011

The Twelfth Man

I see you play and rule the field
You scream in joy when you win
and you cry in pain when you lose
My smiles and my tears are all yours
Be it victory or defeat, its mine too
I cheer for you, I help you, I love you
For one day I want to be with you.
Not just the words I Want to hear
But also act and befriend glory
The heat and the rains you dare
I want to learn with you and share
Today I am not inside the ground
Tomorrow I hope to & no more be
The Twelfth Man.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

24 hours!

Its 7 AM, I wake up, look at my mobile clock like a routine task everyday. The location of my room is pathetic - Early summer morning appears like a mid-day right on the equator. No matter when I sleep the previous night, I feel like a stupid fuck every morning and hate the despicable 7th hour of the day. For the next two hours I would try my best to go back to sleep but alas! I fail. And still I do it everyday, hoping that one day I would succeed. 

Today, I had an incentive. I would be seeing her after quite some time and having missed her so much for the last 4 days, I wanted to make the most of it. The two hours stint reduced to one and I am all set, groomed myself, attired in one of my best shirts and I make it to the office right on time to click and save the moment for days to remember and retouch. The act of diving deep into someone's eyes, understanding the emotion behind it and acknowledging it with a subtle smile, happens almost instantaneously and its incredible. I know there are few more days left and then I would long for even a glimpse of hers. She doesn't know this yet, may be when she does, her eyes would script the same story as mine. And yeah, why few more days? I would be off to start my PhD soon and then its just a future which would be reminiscent of the past, and thats why the present becomes more important.

I have resigned from my position at work. Its not very natural but I seem to have no productive work to do. I spend my time on facebook and google reader the most. Facebook recently has become an important part of my life - being my companion for almost 20% of my time. I am not that good a reader on the internet, so I don't get along quite well with feeds and google reader. Mother's day offers, holiday offer in Kerala, credit card shopping vouchers - I have developed an aversion towards all this recently. Earlier I thought I could sometime use them, so always gave a tiny thought to it, but now since all this would expire when I leave my country, it makes no sense anymore. I keep searching for flying  and housing options., spending more time on them than I should. Also, just to prove in the real world that the time I am spending on internet is worth, I think of getting myself something - yes! online shopping - ebay and flipkart! But I am a confused ass when it comes to shopping. I give up soon and order a couple of books from flipkart. But the time I am spending is actually worth because through internet I am getting to know new people who would be with me while I pursue my education. I am planning flight itineraries, housing, courses etc. with them and I am doing quite well. I am hoping to have a fun-packed life there (during the non-lab hours) with some great people that I would come to know and make good friends around. There is a very good probability of this happening because this is my need - I hate being alone. Though the recent past has taught me a lot and I can survive alone if time demands so. I am quite excited and looking forward to start a new life there.

I have a lot of idle time nowadays and next three months projection says that it would continue. So I have prepared a bucket list of tasks that would probably help keeping me busy. "Probably" because I am sure I won't like most of them and drop them en-route (history). But this time, I have put a lot of logical and analytical thinking behind this list and channelized them in a manner which would dig out my hidden passions and balance it with my needs. I always wanted to learn German, just for leisure though. I feel that apart from the languages I already know, this would be the only one I would like to know. Next, I would write more often - I am not a very good composer of prose but I am fairly decent at poetry. I see a lot of emotions reverberating through me in the coming days, so there is a ample of supply of thoughts. I also want to brush up my mathematics, certain software tools and mechanical engineering basics. Being a PhD student, it would help if I inculcate this as my passion and its just not a need, I would love reading about them. Photography - not to do but to know more about it, so ordered some books. Also, I hope of investing time into cycling as well. Still thinking of back up plans for obvious reasons. Got another one! MIT opencourseware! wow!! score!!

Rest of the time, which I have with myself and I am not occupied by any of the above - I just treat myself, enjoy the moment, think about her & then us, talk to myself & then forget it, prepare a PoA for tomorrow, watch House & calculus lectures, booze or do nothing and the day is over. I have become an expert in spending 24 hours in no time, and the best part is I keep a track of all that I do even if there is a big void at its core. :P

In the end, I don't know if I am happy or not, but I know it for sure that I am satisfied. I still prefer to be young but the word around is growing old so fast that I have no option but to synchronize. And as we grow old, the feeling of satisfaction is no different from delight. I smile and I laugh and I love to see people around me happy. Interestingly, this is also a source for 20% of my happiness.


Monday, 9 May 2011

Please stay...

I close my eyes and I see you smile
And only then, you could be mine
Let this illusion stay and you leave me not
Stay with me for the sun and the stars
Its been unfair always but seldom fair too
I ask for a chance today, my apologies to you
Let this love be all yours this hour
Please stay, Let not my love be alone.