24 hours!

Its 7 AM, I wake up, look at my mobile clock like a routine task everyday. The location of my room is pathetic - Early summer morning appears like a mid-day right on the equator. No matter when I sleep the previous night, I feel like a stupid fuck every morning and hate the despicable 7th hour of the day. For the next two hours I would try my best to go back to sleep but alas! I fail. And still I do it everyday, hoping that one day I would succeed. 

Today, I had an incentive. I would be seeing her after quite some time and having missed her so much for the last 4 days, I wanted to make the most of it. The two hours stint reduced to one and I am all set, groomed myself, attired in one of my best shirts and I make it to the office right on time to click and save the moment for days to remember and retouch. The act of diving deep into someone's eyes, understanding the emotion behind it and acknowledging it with a subtle smile, happens almost instantaneously and its incredible. I know there are few more days left and then I would long for even a glimpse of hers. She doesn't know this yet, may be when she does, her eyes would script the same story as mine. And yeah, why few more days? I would be off to start my PhD soon and then its just a future which would be reminiscent of the past, and thats why the present becomes more important.

I have resigned from my position at work. Its not very natural but I seem to have no productive work to do. I spend my time on facebook and google reader the most. Facebook recently has become an important part of my life - being my companion for almost 20% of my time. I am not that good a reader on the internet, so I don't get along quite well with feeds and google reader. Mother's day offers, holiday offer in Kerala, credit card shopping vouchers - I have developed an aversion towards all this recently. Earlier I thought I could sometime use them, so always gave a tiny thought to it, but now since all this would expire when I leave my country, it makes no sense anymore. I keep searching for flying  and housing options., spending more time on them than I should. Also, just to prove in the real world that the time I am spending on internet is worth, I think of getting myself something - yes! online shopping - ebay and flipkart! But I am a confused ass when it comes to shopping. I give up soon and order a couple of books from flipkart. But the time I am spending is actually worth because through internet I am getting to know new people who would be with me while I pursue my education. I am planning flight itineraries, housing, courses etc. with them and I am doing quite well. I am hoping to have a fun-packed life there (during the non-lab hours) with some great people that I would come to know and make good friends around. There is a very good probability of this happening because this is my need - I hate being alone. Though the recent past has taught me a lot and I can survive alone if time demands so. I am quite excited and looking forward to start a new life there.

I have a lot of idle time nowadays and next three months projection says that it would continue. So I have prepared a bucket list of tasks that would probably help keeping me busy. "Probably" because I am sure I won't like most of them and drop them en-route (history). But this time, I have put a lot of logical and analytical thinking behind this list and channelized them in a manner which would dig out my hidden passions and balance it with my needs. I always wanted to learn German, just for leisure though. I feel that apart from the languages I already know, this would be the only one I would like to know. Next, I would write more often - I am not a very good composer of prose but I am fairly decent at poetry. I see a lot of emotions reverberating through me in the coming days, so there is a ample of supply of thoughts. I also want to brush up my mathematics, certain software tools and mechanical engineering basics. Being a PhD student, it would help if I inculcate this as my passion and its just not a need, I would love reading about them. Photography - not to do but to know more about it, so ordered some books. Also, I hope of investing time into cycling as well. Still thinking of back up plans for obvious reasons. Got another one! MIT opencourseware! wow!! score!!

Rest of the time, which I have with myself and I am not occupied by any of the above - I just treat myself, enjoy the moment, think about her & then us, talk to myself & then forget it, prepare a PoA for tomorrow, watch House & calculus lectures, booze or do nothing and the day is over. I have become an expert in spending 24 hours in no time, and the best part is I keep a track of all that I do even if there is a big void at its core. :P

In the end, I don't know if I am happy or not, but I know it for sure that I am satisfied. I still prefer to be young but the word around is growing old so fast that I have no option but to synchronize. And as we grow old, the feeling of satisfaction is no different from delight. I smile and I laugh and I love to see people around me happy. Interestingly, this is also a source for 20% of my happiness.

Adios!

Please stay...

I close my eyes and I see you smile
And only then, you could be mine
Let this illusion stay and you leave me not
Stay with me for the sun and the stars
Its been unfair always but seldom fair too
I ask for a chance today, my apologies to you
Let this love be all yours this hour
Please stay, Let not my love be alone.

By my side

In this demented dilemma of human mind

Millions are at stake, billions lost often

Thoughts never play like music anymore

But the heart plays a cover to the future

Success and Love we all seek, why not us?

We are caged souls soon to entertain the crowd
And though we get pennies in return,
We go on to pursue the end, the end of woes
And one day when we have nothing to lose
There would be something we'd eagerly want
Today's future would soon be our present
And till the end, let our hands be free
For someone to hold them and walk along.

And we would seek smiles on their faces

More than what we would want on ours.

I am a Rat!

Filth is where I find my peace, my serenity

For its the only truth I see miles around

When the sun shines bright, I see them working

Multiple melancholies, lonesome lies and fake faces

On the other side of these dark walls, they sleep

Perspiring in peace, anxiety or sorrow

And I trod over the leftovers, doing my bit

When everything around is a trashed daytime memory.

And when I am full and when I am tired

I revisit the day, when there was heat and light

A nostalgic warmth fights the unending cold.

I was never in love and I know not what it is

But I seldom feel it amongst the ecstasy

I adore a girl in the morning and she smiles back too

But by dusk she is the nastiest one I have ever seen

I pity the baby who is too young to understand it

And that he would always miss the infant ignorance

He is a social worker, cleaning the streets everyday

But his own abode needs hundreds of his fake self

Its important to protect our own territories, our brethren

But not alone and I second not the hatred within it

I am a rat and I am despicable, but not them

They can love and be in peace, but why don't they?

CTRL + X and CTRL + V!

However absurd or wannabe the title may sound, there is a philosophy underlying it and something which I fail to do. This I guess is the very basis of decluttering and not following it makes me wrapped up in all sorts of nonsense. This realization comes from a recent observation of duplicate data in various drives of my computer. I have this bad habit of "CTRL C" and then "CTRL V" and I end up being disorganized even more - more data, repeated data, more chaos, more confusion. And another bad habit of mine is to explore even the stupidest thing on earth and try to know the how and why of it. This to-be-ignored stuff made me introspect and soon enough I found that it is not just inside my computer. Sigh! not again!

But yes, I realized how disorganized I am.. reminds me of the line "One of these days I gotta get myself organizized" from the classic Taxi Driver. And when I think more of it and do a quick root cause analysis on this abstract topic, I find it affecting a good deal of my life at all severity levels. A small noise that tends to disturb the normal flow of life finds no way to escape and is choked amongst the disorganized surrounding and another wavelet is too confused to select one of the hundred frequencies around to align in phase. I am spending most of my time thinking what to do but the end result is zero or not per my satisfaction.. When life tests you beyond your regular capabilities, you get all this on your face! The tough times are thereby helpful. I was doing this "copy - paste" always and never realized the need of "cut-paste" until I was running short of space on my hard disk. Sadly, as the modern adage says, there is no "CTRL Z" in reality.Also, I need to learn another command - DEL.

PoA: I need a PoA! :|

Desperation

This stage of my life is called Desperation. Yes it sounds strange and funny but it is scary too. But the course of events recently has led to a multiple organ failure kind of situation and everything being in a vicious circle. Why multiple? The next few paragraphs would make some sense I hope.

1. Desperation of an admit

I have applied for my graduate education at 8 US universities and spent a lot of money on those. The result till now has not been very fruitful. I have 4 rejects in hand and 4 more to go out of which 1 is a really long shot and my conscience automatically eliminates it after the initial setbacks. So I am left with 3. This is one of my dreams, I always wanted to do since my undergraduate - it saw many ups and downs, influenced some decisions of mine and in turn got influenced by me too. In this particular application process I have been through delirium, phobias, anxiety, anticipation already and I am en route to acceptance. But the long route to the destination and the involved uncertainties has left with me desperation. Sometimes I tell it to myself that "I can live with or without you" but what about all those mammoth efforts! Overall desperation rating: 3/5

2. Desperation of a good work at my current job

I have never been satisfied with the work I do and that is a generic problem with many of us. It has reached limits and it has been 3 years now. Many people that I started with have left for the better or worse or many be just for a change. And now, I have decided to work for it, prove myself and put my point in a more aggressive manner. And this attempt has become desperate. I think when we become desperate, we become vulnerable too, which can have both positive and negative outcomes. Left with no choice, last 2 weeks I have worked my ass off and still continuing it. Recently the efforts have dropped down because I was given a breather from my usual boring stuff and I could start my own project. Now that is quite a bit of achievement, so right now the Overall desperation rating is: 1/5. It deserves a smile.

3. Desperation of a good recognition at work in form of Salary/Promotion

Its been a long time I have been in the same position but fulfilling responsibilities and showing competencies for higher positions. And they are recognized from time to time in form of "Pat on the backs", appreciation in "one-on-one meetings", Performance review etc. But, when it comes to promoting me or giving me a higher salary all that is forgotten. I have seen less competent people in my team move up and grow with higher salary. I wasn't bothered then, after all what I cared was just me and never try to compare telling myself that my time would also come someday. But that someday never seemed to arrive and I ended up being desperate. I have got opportunities but I could not sacrifice my personal goals for so-called business goals of the company and as obvious, I am reminded of this every time by  my managers whenever I asked a remedy for my desperation, which in turn increased it. Overall desperation rating: 4/5

4. Desperation for saving money

This one is a bit tricky. I never had the save money attitude. I couldn't save. I used it all for my own happiness but, bought things I liked, did stuff I liked, had awesome time with friends & family - all out of that money. And I relied on the fact that my salary would coming in and it can only increase. But suddenly this feeling is sinking in me that in case, I get an admit I would not be able to fund my visa and travel. So now, when I am still recuperating with my past expenses I want to save and its a desperate attempt again as I have to live the next month in a meagre amount. Now this point is also related to point number 3 and I need not explain why. Overall desperation rating: 4/5

5. Desperation for doing something which I want, follow my dream

Again, a tricky one. I know in long term what I want and I think I am already late in pursuing it. I need to build up short-term plans to achieve those (I am not disclosing them here :P). So time keeps knocking and makes me feel that its time that I start doing something. And this realization came late, so again I have been acting desperate. Though this is not justified and I should a ct calm in this case, I guess the above 4 points are fuelling it. Anyway, Overall desperation rating: 2/5

I am entangled in the above 5 points like I am stuck in quick sand and with them are associated many intangible desperation. The primary one being, desperation to find happiness, have been waiting for a long time for it too. Here, with happiness I mean something which would really make me happy and that is elimination of any of the five points from the list above.

Amongst all these, I do have a few points to look forward to and I am living everyday with them. They are small things that make me happy. Also, there is one thing which I have in plenty - Love. Being in love, having that support, someone to understand you and finding your strength in it is just beautiful. And when I compare it on the other side of the balance with all those 5 points together, the former outweighs the latter by a huge margin.

Having talked about it all, I would also mention that I know it for sure that these are temporary and just another tough phase of life. And now on I guess I have flushed it out and I would feel better, and most importantly work out a rescue plan which should not fail. Also, what I learn from it would add tremendously to my profile and I would do a better job in the future for sure.

Adios!

Bawra man dekhne chala ek sapna

A strange feeling is camping inside me nowadays. I tried the best I could do for the last 6 months - I dreamed of something, the dopamine inside me wanted to achieve it and I supported myself the best way I could. Yet, at instances where I thought I am safe and in all those secured zones where I thought I would achieve timidly, I failed. I find it funny at times. Life keeps serving me with ironic situations like these. But then, after you have consoled yourself, some evil corners in your mind (evil cause they hate your peace treaty with life) would keep asking you if you had done enough or if there was something you could do (does it make any sense now?), they would question your capability and make you feel miserable. And they do not come alone, like the red ants of Amazon they would attack you in a group with a consolidated intention to gobble every nerve of human mind. They bring us this disease but we are smart! How many times? One day I am gonna be immune and feel nothing or may be I will go mad after repeated thrashings, and finally stop feeling for it. 

I saw a dream, I worked for it, I did not succeed this way but then I can dream of something else and again work for it. Yes! it sounds crazy and indefinite but its way better than entertaining evil in your head. And so I would take a step forward and I am not alone. Many dream, even more fail and very few conquer their ambitions (I am talking about ambitious people here, don't give a damn to others!) - if we are still regretting after we fail, it means there is still a long road ahead to gain wisdom and maturity and lots to learn before we sleep!

As aptly said, Bawra man dekhne chala ek sapna ... bawre se man ki dekho bawri hai baatein ... 

And if required don't think much before unleashing your madness .. but do dream! Do not surrender! Keep trying! Do not regret if you fail!