Truth

You can buy and you can sell
You need no money but hypocrisy
Love is just a need
Like the blind man's stick
It breaks and then has to be replaced.
Emotions are more of an excuse
Never noticed when expressed
And affects only when it hurts.
We seek more hatred and sorrow
'Coz we appreciate it more
If you are happy, no one cares.
Condolences are always meant
'Coz people fear god and death
Birthday wishes are seldom so
'Coz you are still here for your last one.
Some days are important for you
But no one bothers as its yours
Everyone does when its theirs.
There is no choice, there is no escape
You are stuck in lies and seek truth
And so you go out and do good
And you do it to create a smile in the air
And more than god you fear loneliness
You seek relationships but as a need
And then you are back to square one
What you get is what you do, its true.

Desert Rain

As the rains are bidding adieu
An unknown fear conquers my heart

As she went away from me
She took my peace with her
Its been long I heard her speak
I tried and tried again but failed

If I can't see her anymore
My heart shall stay empty
Not in words can I show my love
But she would never understand

Tell me if she would return
When I would no more be here
There would be rains no more
But then, I see some dark clouds.



Credits: "Khamaj" by Fuzon.

Wasssup?

books.. notes.. pens.. markers...experiments...FORTRAN..MATLAB...Lab being second home... Booze...Hamburgers... fries... burritos...bacon..umm I love it .. music.. House... Movies...nostalgia...uncomfortably numb.. cold...heat..friends old and new...8AM office.. review meetings.. loads of love.. memories.. dreams... reality.. planning trips...wasting weekends... facebook.. plans to sleep in office... emails.. MS Excel.. Fast Company.. Amazon.. Consumerism... world politics .. fucked up economy.. world may end soon... missing home and the food... research papers.. chats... sleepless nights.. homeworks... projects.. take away my pain.. Indian style chicken.. experiments with cooking... Tennis... gym.. iphone.. macbook... whiteboard.. bed.. pubs .. hookah.. shopping.. halloween.. frustration.. smiles.. anger.. peace.. engineering.. When would my PhD get over?...random talks which end up in nothing ... arguments .. debates ... bagels... coffee.. coke.. late night walks.. deadlines.. plan of study ... satisfaction.. cheese and butter.. misery seeks company... this too shall pass.. Can't wait to see you.. Boston.. West Lafayette.. New York...Christmas plans.. waiting for snow.. hate the rains.. tornado alert.. hailstorm.. procrastination.. guilt.. hectic.. loneliness.. emptiness.. I don't wanno miss a thing... Pink Floyd.. Rum and coke... double Jack Daniels on the rocks..Starbucks.. driving test.. plans to buy a car..
Woah! Thats quite a cocktail! cheers!

Scared

There is a silent scream inside me
Asking me to return to the smiles
The haunting past talks to me
And makes the present a disguise
They are at war snatching my peace
Which one is better, I know not
But for sure the past beckons
A gust of memories pass by
Its too much to do for not much
I am happy but I am not content
For logic doesn't go by emotions
I wish I was a rock and felt nothing
I wish I was drugged til I died
I wish I knew and owed nobody
I want to break free, breathe fresh
And end all that I think is unjust.
How long shall I carry the load?
And how long shall I be silent
'Coz the scream is louder everyday.

Fix Me

When you try your worst, but you succeed
When you don't get what you want, but what you need
When you aren't tired, but you can sleep
Not stuck at all

And the smiles are always seen on your face
When you get something you can always replace
When you hate someone but it never goes to waste
Could it be better?

Lights won't guide you home
Neither ignite your bones
And you shall try to fix me.



The reverse of "Fix You" by Coldplay

Stoned by Stones

Silently she walked, leading the crowd

In her black shroud she was weeping

She knew the rules and she knew the death 

But the embarrassing pain she knew of not.

Tot-tot, tot-tot as the stones murmured

With every sound, bringing her to reality

Never had she seen multiple murderers

They are silent but their eyes ready to kill.

Tarat tarat tarat tarat, the stones screamed

Approaching the silence one last time

The women sympathized, shared the tears

The men just acting in the name of God.

Innocence, as every part of her soul pleads

Meets prejudice and hatred but no love

And as the men gather, final talks are done

Children practiced their aim, ignorant.

One last time she would be embraced

No human but the matter itself

As she lay half buried, head held high

No more sorrow, only anger she shows.

Men older and men younger, both blind

Her own father and her own sons, all deaf

Her comrades few, her daughters, all dumb

And she above all wished to feel nothing.

Slowly and steadily the stones struck

She could hold no more, she screamed

She wished the end but alas! she was alive

And she surrendered to the cold death.

inspired by "The Stoning of Soraya M."

Who is you?

Being you, you ain't yourself

Your mind, your master is not yours

Its corrupt and sold yesterday for pennies

Its of the society and the mysterious economy

Its of the angelic devil and of the unwilling will

And its alone, its adamant and its arrogant.

But its not you, neither is it yours

You are a slave to someone else

You are the love and hatred of others

You are scavenging the leftover drugs

And you are desperate for illusion

But its not you, as you command it not.

You listen to the shortcuts to smiles

Is the sound of sorrow so deafening?

You follow them without they following you

Does novelty come without effort?

You have no character but words big

Is your spirit already dead?

Open your heart, not just your eyes

Learn accepting as much as denial 

Experience pride with honesty

Be loved and let that be yours

Being you, you ain't yourself

Or may be you are, but a mystifying puzzle.

Failure

Republishing this very old composition... 


Through the roads, under the shade
I walked, waiting for my fate
And then the sun starts glaring
and the birds stop chirping
Thirsty grasses start quenching
as they see the dry leaves falling
as helpless and hopeless, I was waiting.
Unable to solve the destiny’s paradox
the wait for my fate ended and I failed.
Neither the wind spoke, nor did I
unspoken words, pricking my soul
spurted as tears, but dried soon
as mechanical smiles, but lost sooner
dried in the heat, lost in dry leaves.
I don’t want to forget, don’t regret
as I stand prepared, waiting for the next.

Falling To Rise

And then you fall and then you rise
This fight is not for all but the wise
There is anxiety and there is grief
There is work to do in time brief
There are tiny but trillion thoughts
And inside you, your mind rots
There is failure but there is hope
And you can do without dope
There is loneliness but there is love
One day you'd see the white dove
Tough times many will come on your way
But "all for good" in the end you'll say
You would have many, not one choice
But always hear your own inner voice
I am not far but inside you somewhere
For one reason that you are here.
And then you fall and then you rise
And then you learn of this life's disguise.

Random existence!

On the other side of the morning

Searching for a truth nobody told me

Melancholic memories, emotions estranged

Anxiety, worry, anger, boredom and love

Healing my day, mundane and monotonous

The thorns don’t prick me anymore

Neither do the roses smile at me

I hate to wake up the sun, and the moon too

Celestial pleasure is not what I seek

Neither a jet plane nor a bicycle

Just a bit of rocket science may be

God exists, but only in reincarnated mind and hearts

How the conflagration camouflages the carnage

In this hour’s tiny life blends tomorrow’s uncertainty

And astrology is just an astronomical philosophy.

A lost dimension

My dream can’t reach beyond the green valleys

And the cold northbound wind is blowing me away;

Like a rock, I stand frozen trying to hold the ground.

Imprisoned by time are some memoirs of yours

And my petrified soul is dissolving into their warmth

No conundrums and no doldrums do I see now

The melancholic meadows are effaced

And the fresh dew promise new horizons.

And still if my eyes are not meeting yours

In the priceless elegance of your smile

Will reverberate my heart’s soliloquy.

#FML

Random guy: Am I speaking to A#$$%# Ghosh?
Me: You mean Arnab Ghosh ? (I know my name is a bit tough)
Random guy: No... A#$$%# Ghosh... we have dealt in blah blah with your company (he called the right person!)
Me: Yeah, I remember.
Random: So, you are A#$$%# Ghosh??
Me: No, I am Arnab....
Random: Can you please give me the contact of A#$$%# Ghosh?

WTF!

A very close friend of mine told me about this concept and I found it too interesting to avoid - though some part of it is going to be tough to write, especially the secrets - mainly because I have very few and then for the obvious reason. :P

Anyway, I love introspection.

So here I go: 10 secrets 

1. I love strawberries- Be it strawberry milk shake, ice creams, candies or just raw. It was a childhood flavor which I rediscovered when I visited Mahabaleshwar. When it comes to flavors, I like chocolates the most nowadays but strawberry is a close second. :)

2. I am scared of life - Now life as a whole is too big and abstract to talk about but yeah its scary. I keep telling everyone how to handle it and advising about many things to make our lives better. I invent rules and try to follow them but somehow in certain spheres of life  I fail. What makes me happy is I see visible results when it comes to others. I think I take it too hard on myself and the failure induces the fear in me.  Its a growing learning curve.

3. I hate Mathematics - I have scored the most in this subject in my high school and the least during my engineering. Though I have intense belief in its potential, keep talking about it, see documentaries on it, read about it and also try to visualize it. I have had a steep fall in my interest in mathematics since my school days. I am fairly good at it but that doesn't change anything.

4. I can't remember the words of a song :| - I love songs not for their music or singer. The lyrics always appeal to me and yet I cannot remember it when I try to sing or recollect a song. I suck at it and feel embarrassed at times too. 

5. Emotionally, I am very sensitive - Only a few know this. To others I come across as somebody totally different and feel like Maximum Decimus Meridius :P. Though the effects are visible only within my own comfort zone and I am vulnerable to only those who have access to it. 

6. Being a bong, I don't like Fish or rice - Yes! I haven't found a single guy who has not been ":O" when he comes to know of it. You can probably imagine how difficult it is for me to survive in the Bongland. Apart from these, I guess I show all traits of being a bong - foodie, smoker with some taste in art, poetry etc. 

7. I still wish to win the Noble Prize - LOL! This childhood fantasy still remains and refuses to accept the reality. I belong to a town which has produced 2 noble laureates and that has played a good role in fueling this fantasy. I am a Mechanical Engineer and nowhere close to the path which can fetch me "Noble Prize". I have had many dreams about it too. LOL! Only if Kungfu Panda kind of stuff happened in real life. Sigh! :P

8. I don't know a shit about cooking - I haven't ever failed when I have cooked and I have done it well (I hope the feedbacks were honest). I just have it intrinsic in me and this is not it. I also experiment with new stuff and it comes out well. Probably I need to venture into it more to kiss failure. 

9. I love shopping - And thats why I want to earn a lot. I always clutter myself with more than I need - it brings chaos and confusion. Nevertheless, shopping brings me immense pleasure. I guess its related to my natural trait of finding happiness in anything new. This is something I like the most after food and alcohol. I don't mind if its a feminine trait or whatever. 

10. I am freaking scared of dogs - They are scary and they can smell fear it seems. WTF! I have funny examples of running away from dogs and asking company to drop me home when its dark. 

These are the quick ten I could think of. This wasn't at all that difficult. Now I am sure I have more of such secrets. I guess some of them would not sound like secrets but  don't want to work out more on this. I would surely update this blog as I explore more.

The Lonely Palm Tree

Alone on the top, it stands bold, yet to be bald
Confronting the winds which could only be heard
formidable to her whipping and thrashing
There he stays forlorn, serenading to the waters
And though his voice is silenced by the roaring waves
he does smile and he does cry, in times wet and dry
He watches the people afar, the smoke and the smiles
He promises an experience, wishes a hug in return
But seldom does he get the peace of a new-found love
Someday he would be weakened like the flying fowls
when he would bend the last angle to kiss the ground
And then from miles away would be seen just a memoir
And stories of isolation, valor and vulnerability
The lonely palm tree, standing bold and to be bald.

Check

Last few days remaining in India and this is what I would call a "bucket list" - revisiting the past or doing the undone.

A weekend outside Pune

Aaah it was so awesome, especially after last time's horrible experience. It was beautiful. The crowd was just perfect - not too much or too less. Saw the other beaches as well, trekked for quite a distance. Overdosed ourselves on almost everything - Chicken, Fish, Beer, Bathing, Trek and of course the obvious ones. :). Though the decision to go there was adulterated with some dilemma but in the end I would miss Gokarna for sure

 One of the rare days when you can actually feel "peace" sinking in.

Movie at E-Square -

Have seen most of the movies during the later half of my stay in this theatre. Though I do not like the seats, food or the service so much, the company and the 2 to 3 hrs spent there each time, watching movies good and bad makes it one of the "most-done" things outdoors

Movies can be good or bad, most of the times we don't know about it. Let us remember all those times with the people, events and the time that we spend in those couple of hours.

Visit Leopold 

Leopold Cafe, Colaba, Mumbai - I have been here 3 or 4 times and every time I have loved the hospitality and the crowd.This time I went straight up during the peak lunch hour and no one was there. I was depressed but then I thought that may be I would remember it more 'coz of today and yes, it was superb! I made friends with the waiters there, talking in their language, sharing our love for Mumbai and hatred for all other places, Teachers and Bud down the throat with Gin Chicken (yes its prepared in Gin) and Bombay Grilled Sandwich

You are never lonely, there is another loner somewhere, reach out to him, its easy 'coz he is trying to do the same.

Walk along the Marine Drive, Bombay

Marine Drive! It promises you a splendid time even if you are alone. A walk along the long stretch with a few pit stops facing the sea, watching the waves come and go and rather an unpleasant sight of crabs over the rocks - in the end its a feeling of peace that gets absorbed, pacifying all the noises inside you and streamlining your thoughts - all this without marijuana

A lonesome walk can act as a drug sometimes - all you need to do is 'feel' the high.

Kareem's chicken tikka roll

No one can have just one! Gets even better when you have a tummy. :) This place has quite a few memories - inception of some awesome things in life, forgetting your frustration, getting your dopamine levels high, feeling the awesomeness of street food et alia. They serve the best chicken rolls in the city. If you are in Pune and non-veg connoisseur, you won't regret stopping by Kareem's, East Street, Camp

Thank God man discovered fire!

Yet to do:
Have bread pakoda outside Bund Garden
Shop at Brand Factory, Camp
Hog at Radhika and Oh Calcutta!
Garden Court
FC road Barista - Cafe Americano and smoke
Loni Paratha near the Z bridge.
KFC - over and over again :) :)
Pasta at Peppinos
Movie at Inox with the awesome samosas
Download songs, revamp my music collection
Thousand Oaks on a thursday night
Aloo-paratha at E-square food court.
Not Just Jazz By the Bay on a wednesday/sunday night and probably sing.
Diamond Beer Bar on MG Road - draught beer and the delicious french toast.
Sarangi on East Street.
Suruchi Bar at Hadapsar - cheap booze and egg biryani.
Have ragda at the actual Kalyan Bhel near Law college road
Kiva near E Square.
One trek somewhere around the awesome ghats near Pune.


To Be Contd.

The Twelfth Man

I see you play and rule the field
You scream in joy when you win
and you cry in pain when you lose
My smiles and my tears are all yours
Be it victory or defeat, its mine too
I cheer for you, I help you, I love you
For one day I want to be with you.
Not just the words I Want to hear
But also act and befriend glory
The heat and the rains you dare
I want to learn with you and share
Today I am not inside the ground
Tomorrow I hope to & no more be
The Twelfth Man.

24 hours!

Its 7 AM, I wake up, look at my mobile clock like a routine task everyday. The location of my room is pathetic - Early summer morning appears like a mid-day right on the equator. No matter when I sleep the previous night, I feel like a stupid fuck every morning and hate the despicable 7th hour of the day. For the next two hours I would try my best to go back to sleep but alas! I fail. And still I do it everyday, hoping that one day I would succeed. 

Today, I had an incentive. I would be seeing her after quite some time and having missed her so much for the last 4 days, I wanted to make the most of it. The two hours stint reduced to one and I am all set, groomed myself, attired in one of my best shirts and I make it to the office right on time to click and save the moment for days to remember and retouch. The act of diving deep into someone's eyes, understanding the emotion behind it and acknowledging it with a subtle smile, happens almost instantaneously and its incredible. I know there are few more days left and then I would long for even a glimpse of hers. She doesn't know this yet, may be when she does, her eyes would script the same story as mine. And yeah, why few more days? I would be off to start my PhD soon and then its just a future which would be reminiscent of the past, and thats why the present becomes more important.

I have resigned from my position at work. Its not very natural but I seem to have no productive work to do. I spend my time on facebook and google reader the most. Facebook recently has become an important part of my life - being my companion for almost 20% of my time. I am not that good a reader on the internet, so I don't get along quite well with feeds and google reader. Mother's day offers, holiday offer in Kerala, credit card shopping vouchers - I have developed an aversion towards all this recently. Earlier I thought I could sometime use them, so always gave a tiny thought to it, but now since all this would expire when I leave my country, it makes no sense anymore. I keep searching for flying  and housing options., spending more time on them than I should. Also, just to prove in the real world that the time I am spending on internet is worth, I think of getting myself something - yes! online shopping - ebay and flipkart! But I am a confused ass when it comes to shopping. I give up soon and order a couple of books from flipkart. But the time I am spending is actually worth because through internet I am getting to know new people who would be with me while I pursue my education. I am planning flight itineraries, housing, courses etc. with them and I am doing quite well. I am hoping to have a fun-packed life there (during the non-lab hours) with some great people that I would come to know and make good friends around. There is a very good probability of this happening because this is my need - I hate being alone. Though the recent past has taught me a lot and I can survive alone if time demands so. I am quite excited and looking forward to start a new life there.

I have a lot of idle time nowadays and next three months projection says that it would continue. So I have prepared a bucket list of tasks that would probably help keeping me busy. "Probably" because I am sure I won't like most of them and drop them en-route (history). But this time, I have put a lot of logical and analytical thinking behind this list and channelized them in a manner which would dig out my hidden passions and balance it with my needs. I always wanted to learn German, just for leisure though. I feel that apart from the languages I already know, this would be the only one I would like to know. Next, I would write more often - I am not a very good composer of prose but I am fairly decent at poetry. I see a lot of emotions reverberating through me in the coming days, so there is a ample of supply of thoughts. I also want to brush up my mathematics, certain software tools and mechanical engineering basics. Being a PhD student, it would help if I inculcate this as my passion and its just not a need, I would love reading about them. Photography - not to do but to know more about it, so ordered some books. Also, I hope of investing time into cycling as well. Still thinking of back up plans for obvious reasons. Got another one! MIT opencourseware! wow!! score!!

Rest of the time, which I have with myself and I am not occupied by any of the above - I just treat myself, enjoy the moment, think about her & then us, talk to myself & then forget it, prepare a PoA for tomorrow, watch House & calculus lectures, booze or do nothing and the day is over. I have become an expert in spending 24 hours in no time, and the best part is I keep a track of all that I do even if there is a big void at its core. :P

In the end, I don't know if I am happy or not, but I know it for sure that I am satisfied. I still prefer to be young but the word around is growing old so fast that I have no option but to synchronize. And as we grow old, the feeling of satisfaction is no different from delight. I smile and I laugh and I love to see people around me happy. Interestingly, this is also a source for 20% of my happiness.

Adios!

Please stay...

I close my eyes and I see you smile
And only then, you could be mine
Let this illusion stay and you leave me not
Stay with me for the sun and the stars
Its been unfair always but seldom fair too
I ask for a chance today, my apologies to you
Let this love be all yours this hour
Please stay, Let not my love be alone.

By my side

In this demented dilemma of human mind

Millions are at stake, billions lost often

Thoughts never play like music anymore

But the heart plays a cover to the future

Success and Love we all seek, why not us?

We are caged souls soon to entertain the crowd
And though we get pennies in return,
We go on to pursue the end, the end of woes
And one day when we have nothing to lose
There would be something we'd eagerly want
Today's future would soon be our present
And till the end, let our hands be free
For someone to hold them and walk along.

And we would seek smiles on their faces

More than what we would want on ours.

I am a Rat!

Filth is where I find my peace, my serenity

For its the only truth I see miles around

When the sun shines bright, I see them working

Multiple melancholies, lonesome lies and fake faces

On the other side of these dark walls, they sleep

Perspiring in peace, anxiety or sorrow

And I trod over the leftovers, doing my bit

When everything around is a trashed daytime memory.

And when I am full and when I am tired

I revisit the day, when there was heat and light

A nostalgic warmth fights the unending cold.

I was never in love and I know not what it is

But I seldom feel it amongst the ecstasy

I adore a girl in the morning and she smiles back too

But by dusk she is the nastiest one I have ever seen

I pity the baby who is too young to understand it

And that he would always miss the infant ignorance

He is a social worker, cleaning the streets everyday

But his own abode needs hundreds of his fake self

Its important to protect our own territories, our brethren

But not alone and I second not the hatred within it

I am a rat and I am despicable, but not them

They can love and be in peace, but why don't they?

CTRL + X and CTRL + V!

However absurd or wannabe the title may sound, there is a philosophy underlying it and something which I fail to do. This I guess is the very basis of decluttering and not following it makes me wrapped up in all sorts of nonsense. This realization comes from a recent observation of duplicate data in various drives of my computer. I have this bad habit of "CTRL C" and then "CTRL V" and I end up being disorganized even more - more data, repeated data, more chaos, more confusion. And another bad habit of mine is to explore even the stupidest thing on earth and try to know the how and why of it. This to-be-ignored stuff made me introspect and soon enough I found that it is not just inside my computer. Sigh! not again!

But yes, I realized how disorganized I am.. reminds me of the line "One of these days I gotta get myself organizized" from the classic Taxi Driver. And when I think more of it and do a quick root cause analysis on this abstract topic, I find it affecting a good deal of my life at all severity levels. A small noise that tends to disturb the normal flow of life finds no way to escape and is choked amongst the disorganized surrounding and another wavelet is too confused to select one of the hundred frequencies around to align in phase. I am spending most of my time thinking what to do but the end result is zero or not per my satisfaction.. When life tests you beyond your regular capabilities, you get all this on your face! The tough times are thereby helpful. I was doing this "copy - paste" always and never realized the need of "cut-paste" until I was running short of space on my hard disk. Sadly, as the modern adage says, there is no "CTRL Z" in reality.Also, I need to learn another command - DEL.

PoA: I need a PoA! :|

Desperation

This stage of my life is called Desperation. Yes it sounds strange and funny but it is scary too. But the course of events recently has led to a multiple organ failure kind of situation and everything being in a vicious circle. Why multiple? The next few paragraphs would make some sense I hope.

1. Desperation of an admit

I have applied for my graduate education at 8 US universities and spent a lot of money on those. The result till now has not been very fruitful. I have 4 rejects in hand and 4 more to go out of which 1 is a really long shot and my conscience automatically eliminates it after the initial setbacks. So I am left with 3. This is one of my dreams, I always wanted to do since my undergraduate - it saw many ups and downs, influenced some decisions of mine and in turn got influenced by me too. In this particular application process I have been through delirium, phobias, anxiety, anticipation already and I am en route to acceptance. But the long route to the destination and the involved uncertainties has left with me desperation. Sometimes I tell it to myself that "I can live with or without you" but what about all those mammoth efforts! Overall desperation rating: 3/5

2. Desperation of a good work at my current job

I have never been satisfied with the work I do and that is a generic problem with many of us. It has reached limits and it has been 3 years now. Many people that I started with have left for the better or worse or many be just for a change. And now, I have decided to work for it, prove myself and put my point in a more aggressive manner. And this attempt has become desperate. I think when we become desperate, we become vulnerable too, which can have both positive and negative outcomes. Left with no choice, last 2 weeks I have worked my ass off and still continuing it. Recently the efforts have dropped down because I was given a breather from my usual boring stuff and I could start my own project. Now that is quite a bit of achievement, so right now the Overall desperation rating is: 1/5. It deserves a smile.

3. Desperation of a good recognition at work in form of Salary/Promotion

Its been a long time I have been in the same position but fulfilling responsibilities and showing competencies for higher positions. And they are recognized from time to time in form of "Pat on the backs", appreciation in "one-on-one meetings", Performance review etc. But, when it comes to promoting me or giving me a higher salary all that is forgotten. I have seen less competent people in my team move up and grow with higher salary. I wasn't bothered then, after all what I cared was just me and never try to compare telling myself that my time would also come someday. But that someday never seemed to arrive and I ended up being desperate. I have got opportunities but I could not sacrifice my personal goals for so-called business goals of the company and as obvious, I am reminded of this every time by  my managers whenever I asked a remedy for my desperation, which in turn increased it. Overall desperation rating: 4/5

4. Desperation for saving money

This one is a bit tricky. I never had the save money attitude. I couldn't save. I used it all for my own happiness but, bought things I liked, did stuff I liked, had awesome time with friends & family - all out of that money. And I relied on the fact that my salary would coming in and it can only increase. But suddenly this feeling is sinking in me that in case, I get an admit I would not be able to fund my visa and travel. So now, when I am still recuperating with my past expenses I want to save and its a desperate attempt again as I have to live the next month in a meagre amount. Now this point is also related to point number 3 and I need not explain why. Overall desperation rating: 4/5

5. Desperation for doing something which I want, follow my dream

Again, a tricky one. I know in long term what I want and I think I am already late in pursuing it. I need to build up short-term plans to achieve those (I am not disclosing them here :P). So time keeps knocking and makes me feel that its time that I start doing something. And this realization came late, so again I have been acting desperate. Though this is not justified and I should a ct calm in this case, I guess the above 4 points are fuelling it. Anyway, Overall desperation rating: 2/5

I am entangled in the above 5 points like I am stuck in quick sand and with them are associated many intangible desperation. The primary one being, desperation to find happiness, have been waiting for a long time for it too. Here, with happiness I mean something which would really make me happy and that is elimination of any of the five points from the list above.

Amongst all these, I do have a few points to look forward to and I am living everyday with them. They are small things that make me happy. Also, there is one thing which I have in plenty - Love. Being in love, having that support, someone to understand you and finding your strength in it is just beautiful. And when I compare it on the other side of the balance with all those 5 points together, the former outweighs the latter by a huge margin.

Having talked about it all, I would also mention that I know it for sure that these are temporary and just another tough phase of life. And now on I guess I have flushed it out and I would feel better, and most importantly work out a rescue plan which should not fail. Also, what I learn from it would add tremendously to my profile and I would do a better job in the future for sure.

Adios!

Bawra man dekhne chala ek sapna

A strange feeling is camping inside me nowadays. I tried the best I could do for the last 6 months - I dreamed of something, the dopamine inside me wanted to achieve it and I supported myself the best way I could. Yet, at instances where I thought I am safe and in all those secured zones where I thought I would achieve timidly, I failed. I find it funny at times. Life keeps serving me with ironic situations like these. But then, after you have consoled yourself, some evil corners in your mind (evil cause they hate your peace treaty with life) would keep asking you if you had done enough or if there was something you could do (does it make any sense now?), they would question your capability and make you feel miserable. And they do not come alone, like the red ants of Amazon they would attack you in a group with a consolidated intention to gobble every nerve of human mind. They bring us this disease but we are smart! How many times? One day I am gonna be immune and feel nothing or may be I will go mad after repeated thrashings, and finally stop feeling for it. 

I saw a dream, I worked for it, I did not succeed this way but then I can dream of something else and again work for it. Yes! it sounds crazy and indefinite but its way better than entertaining evil in your head. And so I would take a step forward and I am not alone. Many dream, even more fail and very few conquer their ambitions (I am talking about ambitious people here, don't give a damn to others!) - if we are still regretting after we fail, it means there is still a long road ahead to gain wisdom and maturity and lots to learn before we sleep!

As aptly said, Bawra man dekhne chala ek sapna ... bawre se man ki dekho bawri hai baatein ... 

And if required don't think much before unleashing your madness .. but do dream! Do not surrender! Keep trying! Do not regret if you fail!

"Showing off"

We are pretty familiar with this phrase! We clearly understand who is showing off and who is not and with time it becomes more and more lucid!

Showing off is a pain! Ever tried it? Its a huge responsibility, a huge burden and its damn tough. The ones who do it, they deviate from their natural self which makes it difficult for themselves. Its very difficult to create something original and to create a new personality, even more! Gosh!

Having said that, I think people who 'show off', do so out of need. Only need can drive someone to handle such a responsibility. The need is the only incentive or at least has a lion's share! This need might be due to insecurity, lingering on a lie or living up to the fake profile of yours - in fact there can be zillions of reasons!

I feel sympathetic towards them apart from the usual hatred and laugh over gossips. (Hypocrites are very good gossip material - Girls love it ..;)..)

Melancholic Ecstasy!

(Title Courtesy: Indian Ocean)

Hey you, the wind of my lands, Do you know me?
Never mind; But you must know my kins
Cause them no harm, a last wish I seek
And if I had one more, I'd visit them to see
Chocolates and chicken burgers I've had many
But never they had the taste of love & amity
In this world adulterated with lies and hatred
I hope to find some truth & companions
I know one, I know two and I know many
But they don't know me & they don't love me.
Far away there is a lady who knows me the most
She is my mentor, my comrade, my mother
I need a nap with her hands caressing my hair
I dream of it everyday, and then wish every dawn,
That one last time, I would go sky-diving
And I would fall free, right into her arms
I would be dead, but I would score
For I'd have peace and you'd want more!

To Ma, my family & my friends...

The satire of time

I am subdued, I am shut and I am stuck
Like the abandoned machine of a shop floor
I feel like a child and I  miss my mother
I want to go back and feel happy with her.
The long lost kindergarten memories
I want to revisit them again
I want to learn as I wanted to now
I want a cocktail of today and yesterday
And preserve it for the rest of my life
I want never to regret, neither would I plan sorrow
I would plan endless smiles, I would plan perfection.
There would be no undo or redo, no experiments
A utopia I see, I just see myself living ahead of my time
But that time is long gone in the past
And Alas! I am a kid yet again but a kid too old.