Enervated!

This desk of mine....where I spent most of my time right now, alone thinking about a lot of stuff, some factual and some totally random. Spending day and night filling out application forms, trying to get over my phobia and all this to find one single direction in my life which though a long shot makes me believe that everything is going to be alright. Looking up postal code for India or reading about bacterial meningitis, everything just makes me nervous and apprehensive. I put effort to emulate my own thinking with the hope that one day I would get over it with the better. Questions, queries, facts - they don't bring any answers. Ok! I know it would be over and this too shall pass but then what? They are never ending and I can't bend down and apologize to my life for torturing it. I call people and try to cool down but then how many times. Everyone around is as miserable as I am. I have no right to be lucky. I am tired and that's why I am writing this piece of make-me-better stuff. My fingers are already aching and I am gaining quite a bit of experience in typing. It would improve my typing speed at least! (wink)

Don't think too much and think positive - these principles have been deceiving me and I feel defeated by this inhuman act of overpowering your own thinking. There is one single voice, one single feeling that keeps me going and I am not gonna write it down here because it is special. Call it a silent scream or a paralyzed smile - I don't care. I need to push this inertia to levels beyond my imagination and I need something - may be alcohol! Do I sound like a loser addict? You are wrong. I am just on the path to win myself and whoever and whatever wishes to come along with me. I bet. I would classify it as another random thought, but factual. I like randomness..true... but I don't like to take it for granted!

Oaks and me

There is an old pub down the street where I used to live. I have admired that place always and it finds it presence in almost all of my memories and emotions - tears or smiles. I still want to go there and live the past again, not of mine but of my time with Oaks. But some strange feeling just restricts me. Am I too old? Have I overused it too much or he silently hates me? Why? May be he doesn't like alone and unhappy people. But I ain't unhappy! Today, when I was listening to "Stuck in a moment" by U2, suddenly I felt I am right there at Oaks and merrymaking with my friends, my love and myself. Was talking to a friend about addictions and that I have none right now, after having left smoking long back. I feel everyone should be addicted to something at least and at the same time, I believe that everyone is already. Sad but True. Smoke, alcohol, weed etc. - fantastic stuff! Its a world of randomness, but right now, I am addicted to a strange and weird thought and I want to share it with Oaks, I still do not qualify to go there and that's why negotiating. 

The Barman's pitcher, french fries with white sauce, the finishing touches of whiskey, the music that u want to hear and to end it all, an all-worth-it cheque!

Feeling better. Thanks!

Past few days with her!

You know how you feel when you are in a dysfunctional but intense relationship which outsiders would most often call insane? I am and I know how it feels and I fail and I succeed every day. Its like a market, a trade of many other inconspicuous stupid but important things where I have to give to get something. She has been cruel and this relationship with her is may  be the only thing that gives me the thrill, the excitement and the motivation to  move ahead and tells me that there is something there next door. She brings me better things but tells me not to embrace them 'coz I would either lose them or regret later. In this process she tells me that I have a value and that value is not just restricted to my eyes but often reflected in others'. She gives me confidence when I am frustrated. She brings out the hidden darkness in bright light. She shows me the substance, equips me with the resources but also makes my way difficult. She doesn't show me a direction but gives me hope. This moment she hugs me, the next she kicks my ass, and then she would rape me mentally. She is weird but she is just unique to me, my special one which I take pride in. She has taught me to be brave and that there is a long way to go. She has injected doses of perseverance in me and regularly experimented on me like a guinea pig. She has made every effort and she has not done this for free. I confront her regularly in the middle of the market, arguing with her in front of a crowd just to evade my duty of paying her back. I know I am wrong but today I am poor. I have neither money nor the substance which she has. I am in need and I am at the receiving end. Its a cure to the anger, the desperation, the anxiety, the loneliness and this is all I have.

This relationship with my life is not working out right now and I am learning to pay her back; sometimes I am honest but I am mostly backstabbing her. My relationship with her is indeed intense, I scream at her, I spent silent nights with her, I punch her right on her face too but deep inside I love her very much and yeah I am just stunned at times! Wait! Did I mention how good she is on bed? Now I know true orgasm!

Life is not crap!

"Live everyday like the last day of your life", a cliche statement. Lets take a scientific approach.

Our day to day life is governed by the more superior brain and comparatively under-developed heart. Most of the actions inside and outside our body is controlled by the former. In layman's language, we mostly have no control over it. It is a seasoned machine which learned by itself, commonly known as Artificial Intelligence. And yes, its rocket-science, which human beings would always struggle to replicate. Its complicated nature is reflected by the fact that it cannot be transplanted compared to other organs of the body. On the other hand, we have our heart and in non-technical terms is said to control our emotions, which is totally false. This is because its your brain which controls your emotions as well. But this small part of the brain is under our control to a very large extent. There is a difference between well-trained and well-educated, and we have to train our brain, we cannot possibly educate it after 15 years of its learning. This hearty brain is very sensitive and is affected by all five senses we know of. To keep it in control, the best way is to keep it dumb and foolish. It doesn't affect you in the long term but gives you enough strength to ignore the noise that affects our normal smooth journey ahead. Its not that easy, so a more practical solution is to prioritize your emotions. Life is good and it would always be! Trust your brain and ignore your daily ups and downs.

Thanks for reading this profound crap.

An early morning conversation!

Once upon a time, the different voices in the crowd, the tone of each one of them, the touching voice of your closest and even random screaming and squalling, everything that my ears could perceive reverberated through me, defining myself. And today, there is so much of silence; all that I can hear is Knopfler and Floyd, the gtalk pings, the phone rings and some musings of my own thoughts, the remnants of the noise in the past, and strangely  nothing is indefinite. I performed the best in randomness but that past is gone long back. Nowadays, I try to get organized, to reduce the noise in my daily life and let my wave travel smoothly. I can't believe that I have "to-do" lists! This is more because I have a  lots to do and I don't see anybody around me to while away time, most of the times I think its not worth it. There are a lot of additions in that list apart from the regular material efforts to finally gain monetary benefits. For instance, spending time with Coleridge, Keats and Neruda, doing some clicking job with my Nikon P80, sketch random stuff on MS-Paint, talking to Twitter, Facebook and Blogger, drink more coffee, read the BBC and NY Times, learn more about the far and not my immediate vicinity and a very unlikely in the list feeding my love, the only thing I want to carry with me on the road ahead. Heh! Full of platitudes is this world and yet everyday is born a new thought to ponder upon. The beauty here is that of Science. I wish I could go back to my fascination of parallel universe and string theory. We all think so, don't we? I thought I read it somewhere but then found it was me, the truth pouring out or may be a dream - "you are on your own and no one gives a damn about it, you have to be choosy with the luggage you carry - its a long way ahead, better walk with the fundamentals, leave your TV and refrigerator behind"

I respect every opinion and I hate the predominantly biased ones; but if I do so, ain't I biased? 

Job well done blogger bro! Thanks for the company!

Bridge over Troubled Waters

When you know that you are walking close to nowhere and you take that long deep breath, someone just walks by and interrupts you. How do you feel? I was trying to swim across the troubled waters, constantly attempting to reach the other side but I am defeated again and again and pushed back to where I started from. I decided to take the bridge instead, the easier way but only after I was confident of my failure on the alternative. An exhilarating feeling it is and it goes almost silent. How I wish to keep these preserved! But its like that upsurge of emotional wave difficult to contain within yourself; almost impossible. I have to constantly remind myself of "NO NO NO and NO". The variable of time has become a constant and would soon become a negligible quantity in the equation. The variable called distance is highly simplified to be sinusoidal, largely random increasing the entropy of the system. The free energy is constantly increasing and looks like this is an infeasible reaction. Its just an illusion when the distance approximates to near zero and this case doesn't happen often, so again, can be neglected. A crock of crap! What the heck am I talking about! Exactly! and that's why I never take the bridge!

Mutton Gurda Fry

You said you can't love me. For five hundred and forty five days I have loved you and embraced every smile of yours. I am glad that all this while I could see you everyday and talk to you. I express my gratitude in these poor emotions. 

With you I fought battles and conquered myself but I could never defeat you. Because I  never wished to. A defeat means sorrow, a slave to someone else and of course without your consent. You were meant to rule  and I could have never disrespected you, Your Highness. Had you forgotten your smile, I would have died and it would have been a tragic end. My kinsmen would have remembered me and glorified my emotions, left in desuetude. Forgive them, they are innocent. You wish I stay with you till eternity and my friend I can promise nothing less. You know why? I am not done yet. Not yet. A year back it was a kid growing, as notorious as it could be and then it learnt happiness but it could never learn sorrow. There was a point where it knew suicide too but it could never learn to murder because it could not become selfish. And today, he is a big guy, expert of its own business and it fears no one. When there is no fear, there is no death. But someday, the inevitable would happen and it would die, in honour. That day, there would not be any word spoken and the silence shall serenade to every night that I see.

They say, time heals all wounds and this love is still too young and courageous to afford a wound. Time, a joke of all times. By the way, I love mutton gurda fry!

Don't know what!

There is a very subtle difference between the past as you see today and the past that you would see tomorrow. I am very used to the former case and i just have hopes for the latter to be good. There is no evidence or no expectation for any good though. I am thrown by the tides of time in an unknown world of my dreams where reality always confronts with obscurity. I know what I want, I know how to get it but i do not know the exact road to the end of it and yes I want to end it all. I do not want anything new and the old ones promise to last for a lifetime. LET IT BE AND LET IT GO is the compromising tone i carry with myself and buy ephemeral smiles and one day I would regret that actually everything has just passed away. For the better part of it, just say good bye and board your own flight to destiny's destination.

Me, the Human

We do not get everything that we wish for and so I say we get what we deserve. Everyday we see multiple layers of this life, which some of us are just dragging along, tired and pale. And sandwiched among such different layers are our  hopes and expectations. Hope is a necessity much like oxygen and there is a thin line which separates it from the latter. When you keep yourself away from expectations, as I used to or may be still do with myself, it becomes increasingly mysterious till the hour your curiosity takes you there, and unless you are defeated and shattered you remain there. Finally, you are a refugee in your own mind. A constant learning process teaches you fear and slowly you are scared of that battle much like the fears induced in a child as he grows up. Whats my part of the story? I feel like a one-legged man ready to run his first marathon, scared to cross that line more than tumbling down. But then I am just another human being.

The recent year has seen a lot of psychological change in me. Mental trauma, severe depression, extreme frustration, unbound unhappiness etc. are a few fancy names I could think of. I have always tried hard to steer them towards a positive development in myself and I see it happening. Its like common cold, it keeps affecting you if you do not have the internal resistance against it and temporary medications keep you healthy. This permanent resistance is what I lost or may be its yet to be discovered. Temporary medications are forced in the form of purchased happiness. Let it come in any form, it always keeps you healthy. If you remove the rare exceptions, people would always be more interested in your smiles than your tears, so why disappoint them? I have been coughing and sneezing a lot and my psychology is constantly picking up the tricks of biology, improving my resistance. And if I look at it as a package, I am happy as much as I hope to be but may not if I overrate myself with my expectations. The paradox here is the possible compromise I am doing when I say I deserve no more, and to think of it seriously, it keeps you away from happiness and makes the other side mysterious again. Heh!

Have you ever talked to the coward and crouched mentally superior person inside you? Have you asked him how he feels? I possibly cannot forbear myself from daily incentive driven executions. Being a leader is not easy, when you fall there is no one to give you a hand and that's exactly why He is coward and crouched. Professional leadership is far easier than a personal one. Trust me, it is complicated. You may not agree and would like to put it otherwise but the subjective nature of a personality is the illusionist here. He doesn't want to compromise as he is hardened and then tempered well by the people around him. He is the most ideal person you can be. He does not expect anymore and thereby, He is not affected by the paradox. He accepts what he is and is more riveted towards knowing himself more in a quite monastic way independent of the hassles of his outer skin. But sadly, you can't be Him. May be I am wrong. Try!

I feel better when this tainted spirit communicates with the superior me and shows me the way, sometimes just serenading by my side on a dark lonely road and at other times roaring it out to me. I have to dig a mine, collect the most precious stones and earn money out of them. And  be careful not to show much of ingratitude for all the times He has helped me.

On a lighter note, "One of these days I'm gonna get ORGANEZIZED" (courtesy - Taxi Driver); which reminds me, I need to change my bedsheet. :D

Adios!

The everyday Me

I just always neglected the hypothesis that bad times visit you often and good times seldom drop by, at least that's how we perceive it. But may be I was wrong.

Everyday, I wake up and try dozing off again for sometime to delay the start of a routine day at work. I wish I could prolong it but I am too poor to buy time. I meet almost the same people everyday, see the same faces, hear the same voices and they mean nothing much to me except a few who are the only source of my ephemeral happiness in a full stretch of 24 hours. I see a bunch of mindsets and moods around me and some so dynamic that I don't even try to understand. Though I hate the kind of work I am doing, I am concentrating more and more on it, incessantly lost inside my computer screen. It's a kind of spiritual feeling without disturbance. Yes, all those times I am working, I have my earphones on, listening to music, good and bad, and frankly, I don't even realize which song is playing. It just acts as a shield to the outer world capturing my mind and soul into limited boundaries where there is peace if not happiness. And after spending some time in this mode, I feel that I have a lighter head free of anxiety or may be its just a void. 

At times, it becomes very difficult to appreciate the other side of the river. The transformation from a happy-go-lucky kid to a relatively silent and profound maturity has been very quick. Never did I think that I would want this kind of life. I am better with people around me and life in seclusion is almost death for me. I die everyday, buried alive and then resuscitate.And may be I can say now that I am used to dying. Human brain adapts itself to conditions around it to keep itself happy and its always better to let him do his job. 

Introspection is an art which if executed well brings yourself in front of your senses and you are more tangible to yourself. I have done and continuously practicing it, trying to understand myself everyday. I am compelled to do this. I am in an unknown world where very few people understand me and I haven't been here long enough to complain about it. Life was better before. Introspection is very agonizing and invigorating. More when it creates a conflict inside your mind and you need to consciously come over it putting all your mental energy. The only good part about it is the excitement I feel when I emerge as the peacemaker of the conflict. Funny! Appears like there is more than one person living inside you, which again is just an illusion. 

The day at office ends and I come back home, with the next hour uncertain. I am silent most of the times thinking for the next hour. Many a times I just fall into the loop and waste my time totally. I am not aimless. I have very broad aims in life and I know the Dos and Don'ts to achieve them and in a way I am doing it but not palpable enough to my senses to feel happy about it. May be I expect too much out of myself or overrate myself. Introspection helps here to know exactly where I lie and then that's why the agony associated with it is worth. And then I die of the pain and tomorrow shall see my rebirth again in the same world. The only difference is this time I know myself better and it feels good.

We talk of Life and Love but we ourselves are complicated enough. Agree?

Desuetude!

State of rage and state of fear
All have I seen in this month of may
Rhapsodized and then reconciled
And now today I am stranded in this game
Like the tombstone waiting for its name.


A poor boy once in a bad old time
He was disparaged and then he was in love
And then he heard the dulcet dirge
He has seen me when the thoughts went low
But most of it he wont mention right now.


The warm mellifluous melancholy
And the chilled northern winds
They come together, brewed by the blue sky
Penning the finest poetry yet very austere
Recollecting the past, predicting the future.

She, is dead

There is a revolution in my head
There are incessant deaths, blood all over
Every moment she dies in my heart
Not a suicide but a murder
By the foes of frolic and traitors of time
And when my eyes not often try to talk
And when I serenade to the petrified dark
I am silenced by her echoing soliloquy.

Gangster!

A young soul with an old mind
Staying up the night of cold boredom
A prolific poet or a philanderer
You would demand and I shall gift
And then would you sing me lullabies
And then would ask me when and why?
And then would you call me across the street
And promise to make love to  my dreams?
In the sublime love of yours
Would rot my melancholy serenade
And then if you hear a voice at midnight
Would you wake up and embrace me
For I would be bleeding and would need you
For I would be tired of the unanswered calls
For I would desire for you just to say goodbye
Forgive me sweetheart, I made my choice
And I want to be a gangster and live till I die!

Contemplation II

I want to fly a jet-plane
High up in the sky
untouched by the people beneath.
This earth which lifts me up
sends me close to the stars
would call me back someday
And I have to land.
I am too scared to hit the clouds
and be lost,
for it would be a sin.
I love my craft
And the trail it leaves behind.
The beauty of it I shall want to see again
So today I would land  it
to fly with it tomorrow again.

Contemplation I

I know the time would come someday
I would strode as you sprint away
plaintive tears like steady dew drops;
And a cold dawn would petrify me.

I would remind myself the sins of past
which never were incorrigible
or may be i thought them to be
or may be there were no sins

Melancholy would soon dissolve
convoluted words would sympathise me
here I resign to walk-in tomorrow
and the vicious circle continues.

Don't know what!

Like i cannot sleep when its too hot
I cannot sleep when its too cold
bring on the beauty and would adore
bring on the ugliness and would loathe

The days of pain i have lived
the days of glory are yet to come
kicking my dreams is what I do
loving my soul is what i dont

People alive or people dead
the truth is what that ever stays
the graveyard gloom is like a hug
the smile tomorrow is like a kiss

A monster is death and life a bitch
hope stays and expectations least
thin lines of words tough to know
eclipsed is you and the moment now.

Behead a stranger, look in his eyes
and then look above at the summer sky
and then you wish life and no lament
murderer you are of not just one.

Dream on!

So  much I hate to wake up and kill you

And be the murderer of my own serenity.

Though everyday brings me to reality 

And every night dooms it to glory

This overrated life seems so incomplete

Without that stupendous time with you.

You knock when the day ends 

And pioneer the elegant times 

The green fields and the windmills

The blue stream and the april lilies

Ah! it is no dream and its real!

Or am I just dreaming against dream?

When I wake up to embrace the dawn

I know my heart would condole me

I know you're still just a dream 

And though melancholy lingers

There is no harm not to touch you

And there is no harm just to see you.

A few words

People say life moves on and its true. Even if we try to run away from life, we cannot. Every damn thing around us keeps us pushing. Sometimes we want to end everything and again we fail. What is life? Life is something which just moves on, not bothering if you want to live or not.. It is we who have to decide that. There is no point being sad. We can't escape from it. Better keep up the battle to conquer happiness and make it yours. There are good times and bad. Its true that we feel the negative energy more than the positive one. There is no specific talent required to make use of this negative energy around us and give ourselves an impetus to rise up and start walking again! The past would always restrain you from moving ahead, its a part of your life and the present always owes to the past. You have a choice here, to live with the present defined by your past or create a new one which would define your future. 

There are a few golden rules: 

1. Think positive

2. Do not worry too much

3. This too shall pass (my best friend keeps saying this)

Life moves on anyways, you can't stop it. The ones who commit suicide are very courageous souls, everyone is not so brave. Accept it. Life is no fun without challenges. A simple life might just be very boring and you would miss out on a lot of things that would have made it even better. Take risks! Learn by yourself! Stick to your principles! Preach peace! Love! Smile!

This is a pretty banal stuff I wrote above. Everyone knows it, speaks about it. I am just another addition!

Profound!

Days like clouds fly
Everything just passes by
Only if a desert they cross
They should weep
But they would not
For they respect its identity
Could be there evil thunders
Who make the desert green
Might it not be a sin
The choice lies within
To kiss the devil or to hug the rest!

Tranquiled!

There is a tranquil dragon inside me

And the pain is receding pretty well

The bygone days bring pleasant memoirs

And tomorrow promises a year ahead

Sedated, I stroll serenely along the woods

My hopes are sated and born are desires

Over the meadows as I walk a winter morning

I crush the fresh dew and the dirt clings on me

I immolated myself and left me forlorn

Your malevolent expectations are dead

And along with you buried inside the tomb

But still I grieve beside your grave

Every dawn when I genuflect, I see

The horizon till the eternity screaming

And dry tears paving a path for the smiles.

Random

On the other side of the morning
Searching for a truth nobody told me
Melancholic memories, emotions estranged
Anxiety, worry, anger, boredom and love
Healing my day, mundane and monotonous
The thorns don’t prick me anymore
Neither do the roses smile at me
I hate to wake up the sun, and the moon too
Celestial pleasure is not what I seek
Neither a jet plane nor a bicycle
Just a bit of rocket science may be
God exists, but only in reincarnated mind and hearts
How the conflagration camouflages the carnage
In this hour’s tiny life blends tomorrow’s uncertainty
And astrology is just an astronomical philosophy.

A Pretty Sin

Shall not my credence in love fade

Shall not my confidant, you depart

Shall not I rue of this pretty sin
Shall not there be a moment you grief
Shall not then I be callous and stoned
Shall not there be a fruit you can’t taste
Shall not there be a fiction without you
Shall not there be a fact more than your heart
Shall not there be a poem you can’t adore
Shall not there be a trumpet you can’t play
Shall not there be a war where you make truce
Shall not there be a time you don’t succeed
Shall not there be a moment you remorse
Shall not then be a second you can’t smile
Shall not my credence in love die
Shall not you leave me, my comrade
And shall not I be a sinner anymore.

Nostalgic Abbreviations

While recollecting some campus memories, I somehow got reminded of the abbreviations we used to be very fond of and still found myself using those as and where appropriate. They are commonly known as the ABCD of BITS (quite lame). I compiled quite a few of them here. Enjoy!

SAC – Simple and Comfortable (usage – SAC out, SAC da, SAC ra, SACed, SACcing)– This is one thing the campus teaches you for sure – “how to SAC out?”. You can sleep, booze, smoke, surf etc whenever you want. (Also, Student’s Activity Centre – If you are single you gotta be here to kill time)

GHOT– Generating Heat on the Table (Studying) (usage - GHOTing, GHOTboard, GHOTed) – During peak winters, we used our tables as room heaters. :P. The computer did a good job in keeping us warm.

BOGS – Bathroom of Graduating Students – Bathroom, loo, toilet, shit-pot etc had become too cliché. BOGS proved to be a pretty good discovery against this banality.  

GUSS – Give Up Something Stupid (GUSSing, GUSSed, GUSS mar) – As we were surrounded by a lot of stupidity, this abbreviation received a lot of attention and is almost ready to be a part of the Oxford English Dictionary.

ANC – All Night Canteen – Its no more all night (restricted till 3AM) but still the soul of the night-outs at campus.

SHIV-G – It’s the official couple’s retreat and the rest, everybody knows.

SKY – (referring to Skylab) – The open air fast food and smoking lounge of the campus. A site of casual chats between professors and students and also very popular among the various cliques around the campus.

C'NOT – (Like the connaught place, Delhi) – Actually not at all like it. Just a lane with few shops on both sides – They were either  restos or multi-purpose stores and used their monopoly to the maximum. Its called so coz u "c'not" (cannot) get anything there. I lived in a much better time, where we used to get somethings at least..sigh!

Insti – Institute .. simply referring to the classrooms, lecture theatres and the labs.

FD – Faculty Division – A random division of the insti into a few FD blocks clubbing a set of disciplines.

Tut – Tutorials :P – They were so damn regular and mostly on the first and second hours. Sometimes you had to wake up for an hour, come back and sleep again.

IC – Institute Canteen – Right at the heart of the Insti building – The favourite breakfast spot after a first or second hour tut for those who wanted to attend the next class. Some studious brains are spotted GHOTing here - those who were bored of the library.

CD - No we dont burn them. Its Cold Drink :|

SAMchat - Simple - Samosa Chat!

COMPRE - Comprehensive Exam - The final exams of every semester! Either its too hot or too cold - and that's your last respite from the fairly screwed up semester - A lot of things CAN change!

Just another day!

Mornings are either early or hosting beautiful midnight dreams. The daily chores are done in no time and then follows a mundane routine of wearing the office attire and accoutering yourself with a few accessories and the latest gadgets ready to fight the bright and bold day ahead. Ah! Nights are so better! As I step out of my modest dwelling, I can see at least hundred clones of mine striding their ways to tiny skyscrapers wrapped up in blue. Even I don’t want to waste my time in this transition and clock-in asap, offering my service to the daemonic swine who would for next 9 hours churn, boil and roil me and finally take a dump by EOD. Shit happens and sometimes it’s for good.

Since I am supposed to adhere to the compliance of my pretty “happening” workplace, I would not get into too much of details. MS outlook, personal mails, other internet crap, coffee machines etc suddenly seem humanoid and exchange silent conversations with me. Romantic, ain’t it? By now I have become so callous to the “great work” I do that frustration just finds a way into facebook, twitter, mail-threads and forums and RsIP. Bingo! Lunch time and I am ready to relish on some lip smacking oriental and occidental cuisines. I was almost done with lunch when my manager woke me up. Sad! I know I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one. Coming back to life, I realize that there had been a group ping on MS communicator where some of my workfellows debated and decided the lunch time and the right hand corner of my explorer bar smirking at me and it was pretty reassuring that I am late. I could prove again that there is a positive side to everything by reminding my hungry soul of the cloying taste of the mid-day meal and there is something much better waiting for us at twilight. Phew! That was tough indeed. My sincerity, which I had murdered and buried long back in college, reincarnates and advices me to work for a while. I agreed with a deal that it won’t again disturb me. May be it revolted for not feeding him today! Music is on and also chats with a bunch of a few intelligent minds at work . Woah! Time to hog on some stale fatty acids and pile up the work. EOD it is. All I have to do now is to send a few mails, spreading some queries around the world, which were strictly self created to conceal my virtual absence from work, create next day’s work and mostly for fun.

The ones who strode in the morning are now sprinting away and I see thousands now. The cacophony of the honking vehicles went straight up to my cerebrum, fucked my head, instantly reproducing a headache. My bonhomie nature allows me to catch up with a few random people on the street and talk about the latest trends like green planet, renewable energy and climate change. This is just to pass on the stupid headache. I will go home now and then decide for dinner. Mostly I fail to decide and manage to get a tranquil sleep without it. There is no one at home to welcome me, make me a cup of coffee and ask me how my day was. May be I need someone or may be I am just dreaming of someone or may be I am very happy and my brain is in stupid-thoughts mode. Now the things that happen mid and late night are really confidential. What? No. I am not gay neither am I a terrorist. Actually I am exhausted. Let me RIP. Tomorrow there would be something new. May be I would just try out a new hairstyle.

At Last

A poem composed long back in an amalgamated emotion of sorrow and joy ..

At last the clock has turned, at last the warmth is fading
Among the woods of my neighbourhood, I stand to shed my leaves
Like moments drowned in wine, smoking away the past.

Me, my friend and a heart I love all will quench my thirst
Not to let me grow bold and brave but to water my nostalgia
But I am lost, in the search for warmth, in the search for smile.

Too many desires I have fulfilled, too many lives I have lived
Today this hour I wish for one hour more of my favorite emotions
One hour more of the time we smiled, of the time we grieved.

My soul, my fellows, the men I owe I here to admire me one last time
On my road to freedom, of the heat, the rain and the cold, I would dream
That one night, by the roadside, I am relishing with them the words I lost.

And the day next I will wait for the spring like an angel wearing green
Infant twigs will sooth my heart, remind me the autumn cold and blue
But the road ahead is too long to sit and talk, too short for a silent walk.

Political Instability of a Demeneted psyche!

Your memories have found a new place today. Till now they were crowding my brain, now and then bringing me sheer delight and eternal bliss. Today, they are en-route to a place more precious and protected than anything else, a place where they had a history and have a present too. Its just about time that  not just some but all of those memoirs take refuge in that secured place because they are like the gems I would never wish to lose. The belligerent mind has some miles to travel, perform its duties bringing  enough stability to embrace them well. Also, these memoirs give rise to beautiful emotions which have been regularly cultivated and domesticated in this new county. So, they don’t have to worry. They would find friends and there would be no foes. There is no sorrow but a gamble. What if they like their new home so much that even by force they cannot be vacated? They are no more the citizens of the mind that it can use its power. They are in refuge and they are not in my control. The only treaty that can be signed here is between me and you and they would be staying happily ever after, wherever they want. Till then, I would give them shelter and feed them and let them grow at their best. But before they are old enough to die, I want to hold your hand and bid adieu to the gamble. And before their condition deteriorates to malignance, I would wish to kiss you and let them out through my tears. They would stay with you thereafter, and surely nothing else can make them happier. And here it is, got the final secret code for their transfer. The heart awaits them with arms wide open.

P.S. I love you!

Media and Us

The Media or the mass communication industry which is very closely related to our daily lives has today become the most controversial subject of daily talks. This is largely due to the gap between the citizen who expects the media to be an apotheosis of authentic communication and the proprietor of these agencies whose only goal is to show profits. This market has become so competitive that there is no place for ethics, quite similar to the oil & gas industry. News has become a commodity which is sold to us fresh every morning 365 days a year and we buy it. Unfortunately, humanity could never sell "meaning". No matter what they do or want to do, they need to generate revenue which is very well depicted by the humongous advertisements in our newspapers. Now, this is not wrong. That is a very good use of media and both parties gain in the process. The problem is highlighted when there is a question on the importance of the news that is delivered to the audience. The news which would sell more, of course gets an edge. For eg. The news of a bomb blast in a city(where most of the audience is based) holds more importance than the jawans slain in combat against international and national terror around the country. The concept of freedom of press is lost. Either it is biased on some ideology or it is submissive to the market it is catering to.

If we focus on news broadcasting stations, even the style of delivery has changed. News delivery has gone beyond the required voice modulation and kinesics. Today, its more of a drama scripted very well like a regular movie where there is a hero, a villain, sometimes a godfather and the news reader merely plays the role of a narrator. Most if it looks staged. Sadly, many of us still trust the authenticity of a news channel and this drama affects us as good as a karan johar's melodramatic flicks. Yes this sells! Someone tried it .. and now everyone does it and if u don't no one would bother about you and may be slowly mistrust you. A perfect example is our National news channel - DD News.

DD News brings us the most authentic and unaltered information available and also delivers it with utmost sincerity. There is no drama, no emotional blackmail and its very well left to the audience to develop their own unbiased thought about it. The reason is pretty much the same - its a government agency and need not compete with the growing market. We have a lot of news channels fighting for the "exclusive" stuff and finally you see multiple channels claiming for it. Now one of them is definitely lying! DD News infact brings us the most exclusive political news which holds very less importance for us because nobody died or nobody scored a century or there was no controversy. News readers are also very active on social media promoting their own agency. A news reader in a studio is more known than a reporter covering war-affected zone or a journalist trying to work for the betterment of the society in his own small way. And of course no one knows a DD news reader as much. DD had its correspondents too when Rajdeep Sardesai was covering Gujarat riots and Barkha Dutt was reporting on Kargil war. Many of the news readers we see today on various news  channels started their career from DD news. Only now do we know them.

If today we are blaming the media we are blaming ourselves. We buy it, so they sell it. This is exactly what the East India Company did and slowly paved a way for the British rule. We are submitting ourselves to the whims and fancies of the media and offering the service of our mindless souls.We just need something to talk about. We talk about it and we forget it. Compromise today and complain tomorrow -  that's a very common trait. Ain't it?

Something which I wrote in the process of contemplation...quite related to the previous post ...


The sun is shining bright but I feel no heat
The waves are howling in unison yet I hear just whispers
The cool breeze purifying my thoughts
The sand portrays beautiful patterns that the sea just sketched
I'm lying down, want to close my eyes and dream
But not yet.
Far do I see an edifice of love, hope and trust
It is showing me a way, telling me not to stop
And that the possibility of the impossible is imaginary.
Never before the ocean has been so romantically poetic
Oh! its no less than the prettiest damsel I would ever see.
And yes I'm making love to her...

And then something which was reverberating inside me...
"DON'T JUST DREAM, DON'T JUST LET IT FADE AWAY, DON'T JUST LOSE IT, EVEN IF YOU TRY YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO AND IF YOU LOSE IT AGAIN, YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE, YOU HAVE TO DEFEAT THE FEAR. LET YOUR VALIANCE WIN IT FOR YOU.ITS WORTH A BATTLE AT LEAST. LOSE THE WAR BUT NOT YOUR CONSCIENCE. DO NOT SURRENDER NOW! IF YOU DO, THEN DIE."

Living without fear

And the day was just not getting over. It was twilight and I was still enjoying the bliss that the setting sun had warmed me up with. An hour back, I was almost alone,looking straight at the ocean till the eternity; thoughts were floating on the waves and they were plenty. I had to take some with me and leave the rest deep inside the blue waters never to haunt me again.
I am never very bothered of the things I have bought in my life as I could any day replace them if they rot or just learn to live without them. My brain is not biased and my heart has no say. What worries me are the things which are inside me, which I cannot buy nor can I replace. My brain loses the ability to think and the heart gains control which possibly can make a wrong decision.
That never-ending day when I was staring at the sea I could feel the amalgamation of my mind and heart and I could feel the absolute sense in it. There was no question, anxiety, confusion and most importantly fear. Getting over our fear is important, ain't it? And somehow I could get over it.
The day was just not getting over and I was embracing the resurrection of a beautiful emotion without fear!

My traveler IQ

This Traveler IQ was calculated on Thursday, January 07, 2010 at 07:23AM GMT by comparing this person's geographical knowledge against the Web's Original Travel diary's 4,989,343 travelers who've taken the challenge.